- Stop freaking out.
- Be relentless in my pursuit of doing good.
- Buy a dozen eclairs once a month.
- Learn how to feed myself.
- This includes knowing how to feed myself when I'm overwhelmed and want to do nothing but hide in my bed.
- Try a new recipe each week from one of my magazines.
- Soak up all the sunshine.
- Make endless lists.
- Finish all the projects.
- Work with what I have before buying things to finish the
- Don't start new projects until the old projects are finished.
- Stop buying things.
- Settle into my house.
- Eat more cake. With sprinkles.
- It is not possible to own too many sprinkles.
- Spend more time reading magazines at the library.
- Go nowhere.
- A winter trip in pursuit of sunshine doesn't count.
- Neither does a week spent in Park City.
- Remember what I'm trying to become.
- Go to bed when I'm grumpy.
- Eat more vegetables.
- Play real songs on the piano.
- Don't be such a scrooge that I don't take lessons. It's worth it.
- Find an agent.
- Finish filling my journal.
- Fill up another journal.
- Things I love take precedence over things I like.
- Think of Sunday as the first day of the week.
- Monday comes in second.
- Acquire a fourth bookshelf.
- Send more things through snail mail.
- Waste no food.
- Make friends with the old ladies at knitting night.
- If I want it, get it.
- Make time for the people that matter.
- Squench babies at least once a week.
- Spread the love around all the families.
- Do not acquire any more nail polish.
- Or chapstick.
- Or shoes.
- Find something magical about every day.
- Be grateful every day.
- Love life every day.
- Perfect verbal and quantitative score on the GRE.
- Become a sandwich bread, super fabulous baker.
- Let go.
- Encourage and build up myself as much as I encourage and build up others.
- Listen to other people.
- Stop interrupting just because you've thought of something related.
- If I don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
- Even if it's funny.
- Let the frustration go.
- Patience is a virtue I don't have. Exercise it like a muscle.
- It's okay to like things because they are pretty.
- Go on lunch dates with grandma.
- Don't stress about what I want to be.
- Celebrate what I've become.
- Plan meals.
- Learn to get up earlier than nine.
- I did it basically my whole life. I believe I can do it again.
- Believe in my ability to do worthwhile things.
- Tell people I love them. All the time.
- Don't push myself until I break.
- It's okay to skip things because I don't have enough neurotransmitters.
- No one else knows what I'm capable of and what is beyond my ability.
- Never stop striving.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
2016 Things
Thursday, December 31, 2015
What I did in 2015
I bought a house.
I traveled a lot. I don't remember how many times or to how many places.
I read 75 books.
I went through the entire holiday day season without baking anything. Lots of plans for things to bake. Ingredients bought. Yet, no baking. Or candy making. This is a lifetime first. I'm not sad either. Weird.
I made and froze whole apple pies, unbaked, with whole wheat crusts. I plan to eat my first slice tonight.
I tried one new variety of apple. It was tart and crunchy and will make amazing pie or crisp. It would be super good as a caramel apple.
I fell in love with upstate new york in the springtime. Also, their farmer's market.
I bombed on all of my 2015 new year resolutions. The only one I remember is adding $12,000 to my down payment fund by the end of the year. Fail.
I drove nearly 10,000 miles going cross country and back multiple times.
I bought 20 lbs of poly fil.
I used about 18 pounds of it.
The rest I ditched in Kentucky so the nieces and nephews can stop cutting up tiny bits of knit fabric to use as stuffing for their sock cats and hand-sewn monsters.
I might be the best aunt ever. For reals.
I am favorite aunt to at least two of my nieces and nephews. I'm a serious contender for seven more. Bam.
I tried to take care of myself emotionally. It was hard. And weird. I preferring ignoring my emotional angst.
I started seeing a witch doctor. The general populace knows him as a chiropractor that believes in alternative healing.
He's nearly fixed my wrists.
He also gave me pills for my frequent gagging. Who knew you could supplement gagging? It didn't help. It made me gag more. A lot more.
I practiced piano for the first time in 12 years. I used to think I was bad at sixteen notes.
I'm super super bad at sixteenth notes.
My sugar cravings have been tamed.
I wore out two pairs of boots.
I decreased my scarf wardrobe to about 18.
I bought five cake stands. Only four survived.
I had big plans. I did big things.
What I planned and what I did has almost no overlap.
I reconnected with a dear, childhood friend. Without facebook.
I realized that it doesn't matter how much money I make (I got a fabulous raise earlier in the year). I will always feel poor because I will always want more money. I will never save enough money. Thus, I will never have enough money. I've decided to deal with it. I'm trying to be less o
f a freak about money.
I sewed dozens of letter pillows.
Most of my Christmas gifts were perfect. I love getting the perfect gift for the perfect person.
I went to Mexico for the first time and loved it.
I met my Mom's cousin that she didn't know existed from the side of the family that I've never met.
I bought my first large appliance. Yay for fridges.
I bought my second large appliance. Yay for extra freezers.
I had a birthday veggie platter instead of a birthday cake.
I bought a dozen eclairs the day after the birthday veggie platter. I shared four and ate the rest in about 24 hours.
I installed my own water softener.
I opened a scribd.com account. With all the travel, it was life changing.
I cancelled my scribd account.
I was gifted a samsung galaxy nook tablet days after I cancelled my scribd account.
I'm seriously considering reopening my scribd account.
I also cancelled my B&N membership. I don't buy books anymore. It's not a money priority.
My parents gifted me a B&N membership for my birthday. They didn't actually spend the money. They gave me a pamphlet with the gift written on it. I'm supposed to use my credit card and then get reimbursed. I don't buy books. I think I'll keep the pamphlet and not renew my membership. To remind me how much my parents love me.
I dug out all of my projects. I didn't finish a single one, but I've got plans. So many plans.
I got rid of boxes and boxes of books.
I still have enough books to fill three full-size shelves with leftovers.
I decided to accept myself as I am.
I learned that when I'm overly stressed I stop eating. It's much easier to crawl back into bed under stress than to find food.
I bought myself an ice cream maker. I only made a single batch of ice cream in it. I've made dozens of batches of ice cream in my brother's, my sister's, and my mother's ice cream tub.
I made my own reusable dryer sheets.
I started cleaning with vinegar and water.
I've learned that vinegar and water followed by olive oil is like magic on stainless steel appliances.
I bought my first Christmas decorations.
I acquired a small green ukelele. I don't know how to play it yet.
I wore through another sterling silver ring. I nearly always wear one on one of my fingers. I like my jewelry to be small and delicate which means that constant wear leads to wearing out. I've learned from experience that once the ring splits on one side, it won't be long until it splits on the other side. I split a ring completely in half. I have a ring on a necklace that I wore until it split on one side. Now I have another one.
I might be the only person I know that has actually worn out a ring.
I started wearing the green uggs that I've had for two or three years but never worn. It was necessary after wearing out two pairs of boots.
Mostly this year was a whirl of travel, babies, work, and not enough sleep. It's hard to get a lot of things done when you spend most of your time other places.
I'm sure I did things that I'm not remembering.
I feel good about this list as it is.
Now it's time to start making a new list. The best part of every new everything.
I traveled a lot. I don't remember how many times or to how many places.
I read 75 books.
I went through the entire holiday day season without baking anything. Lots of plans for things to bake. Ingredients bought. Yet, no baking. Or candy making. This is a lifetime first. I'm not sad either. Weird.
I made and froze whole apple pies, unbaked, with whole wheat crusts. I plan to eat my first slice tonight.
I tried one new variety of apple. It was tart and crunchy and will make amazing pie or crisp. It would be super good as a caramel apple.
I fell in love with upstate new york in the springtime. Also, their farmer's market.
I bombed on all of my 2015 new year resolutions. The only one I remember is adding $12,000 to my down payment fund by the end of the year. Fail.
I drove nearly 10,000 miles going cross country and back multiple times.
I bought 20 lbs of poly fil.
I used about 18 pounds of it.
The rest I ditched in Kentucky so the nieces and nephews can stop cutting up tiny bits of knit fabric to use as stuffing for their sock cats and hand-sewn monsters.
I might be the best aunt ever. For reals.
I am favorite aunt to at least two of my nieces and nephews. I'm a serious contender for seven more. Bam.
I tried to take care of myself emotionally. It was hard. And weird. I preferring ignoring my emotional angst.
I started seeing a witch doctor. The general populace knows him as a chiropractor that believes in alternative healing.
He's nearly fixed my wrists.
He also gave me pills for my frequent gagging. Who knew you could supplement gagging? It didn't help. It made me gag more. A lot more.
I practiced piano for the first time in 12 years. I used to think I was bad at sixteen notes.
I'm super super bad at sixteenth notes.
My sugar cravings have been tamed.
I wore out two pairs of boots.
I decreased my scarf wardrobe to about 18.
I bought five cake stands. Only four survived.
I had big plans. I did big things.
What I planned and what I did has almost no overlap.
I reconnected with a dear, childhood friend. Without facebook.
I realized that it doesn't matter how much money I make (I got a fabulous raise earlier in the year). I will always feel poor because I will always want more money. I will never save enough money. Thus, I will never have enough money. I've decided to deal with it. I'm trying to be less o
f a freak about money.
I sewed dozens of letter pillows.
Most of my Christmas gifts were perfect. I love getting the perfect gift for the perfect person.
I went to Mexico for the first time and loved it.
I met my Mom's cousin that she didn't know existed from the side of the family that I've never met.
I bought my first large appliance. Yay for fridges.
I bought my second large appliance. Yay for extra freezers.
I had a birthday veggie platter instead of a birthday cake.
I bought a dozen eclairs the day after the birthday veggie platter. I shared four and ate the rest in about 24 hours.
I installed my own water softener.
I opened a scribd.com account. With all the travel, it was life changing.
I cancelled my scribd account.
I was gifted a samsung galaxy nook tablet days after I cancelled my scribd account.
I'm seriously considering reopening my scribd account.
I also cancelled my B&N membership. I don't buy books anymore. It's not a money priority.
My parents gifted me a B&N membership for my birthday. They didn't actually spend the money. They gave me a pamphlet with the gift written on it. I'm supposed to use my credit card and then get reimbursed. I don't buy books. I think I'll keep the pamphlet and not renew my membership. To remind me how much my parents love me.
I dug out all of my projects. I didn't finish a single one, but I've got plans. So many plans.
I got rid of boxes and boxes of books.
I still have enough books to fill three full-size shelves with leftovers.
I decided to accept myself as I am.
I learned that when I'm overly stressed I stop eating. It's much easier to crawl back into bed under stress than to find food.
I bought myself an ice cream maker. I only made a single batch of ice cream in it. I've made dozens of batches of ice cream in my brother's, my sister's, and my mother's ice cream tub.
I made my own reusable dryer sheets.
I started cleaning with vinegar and water.
I've learned that vinegar and water followed by olive oil is like magic on stainless steel appliances.
I bought my first Christmas decorations.
I acquired a small green ukelele. I don't know how to play it yet.
I wore through another sterling silver ring. I nearly always wear one on one of my fingers. I like my jewelry to be small and delicate which means that constant wear leads to wearing out. I've learned from experience that once the ring splits on one side, it won't be long until it splits on the other side. I split a ring completely in half. I have a ring on a necklace that I wore until it split on one side. Now I have another one.
I might be the only person I know that has actually worn out a ring.
I started wearing the green uggs that I've had for two or three years but never worn. It was necessary after wearing out two pairs of boots.
Mostly this year was a whirl of travel, babies, work, and not enough sleep. It's hard to get a lot of things done when you spend most of your time other places.
I'm sure I did things that I'm not remembering.
I feel good about this list as it is.
Now it's time to start making a new list. The best part of every new everything.
What I Read in 2015
The Favorites:
- Cry the Beloved Country
- Everything I Never Told You
- Joy Luck Club
- Housekeeping
- Gone With the Wind
- Station 11
- Wildwood Dancing
- The Prydian Chronicles
- The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak
The Disappointments:
- Doll Bones
- Girls in White Dresses
- Outlander
- Mennonite in a Little Black Dress
- A Thousand Pieces of You
- The Heart Goes Last
- House Girl
The Surprises:
- Cry the Beloved Country
- Peter and the Starcatchers
- 10% Happier
- Gone with the Wind
- State of Wonder
- Everything I Never Told You
- Going Vintage
- The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak
- The Elegance of the Hedgehog
- Bone Gap
- Counting by 7s
- The Walls Around Us
- The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
Favorite Covers:
- Going Vintage
- The Girl who Saved the King of Sweden
- A Thousand Pieces of You
- The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak
- House Girl
- Station 11
- The Last Ever After
- The Elegance of the Hedgehog
- Housekeeping
- Everything I Never Told You
- Girl on a Wire
- Doll Bones
What I Learned in 2015
This is a new end of year wrap-up post. Probably I have more of those than any one person should. This one seemed important.
Also, it's the middle of the night. All sorts of things seem like a good idea in the middle of the night.
I've spent most of the past 48 hours sleeping. Guess I finally ran out of sleep.
They say you should get up and do things when you can't sleep at night. Technically I'm not up yet. Yay for portable laptops in bed.
They also say if you have trouble sleeping there are things you should do to ensure a good sleeping environment. Having a laptop in bed in the middle of the night goes against everything they say. I'm a champion sleeper so I'm not worried.
Generally, when I'm up in the middle of the night and not sleeping, I stay in bed not sleeping and it's fine. Tonight I was thinking of all the things and I felt like an idiot smiling into my pillow at 2:00 in the morning for no good reason.
Now I'm smiling at the computer screen. Still for no good reason. My smile is bigger than it was. Also for no good reason.
Guys. 2015.
It was a stinking hard year. Let me say that again.
It was a stinking hard year.
I'm glad it's nearly over. At the same time I'm feeling nostalgic and sentimental. Thus the smiles.
I learned so much. Hard things. Not things to smile about. Yet, things worth smiling about. I think the hard things always are a mix of both.
The things:
I am a total and complete wreck. More of a wreck than I used to pretend to believe but actually didn't. Top to bottom, front to back, I'm a wreck of a person bumbling my way through life.
Everyone is bumbling through life. It's the only way to do it.
Life will never be easy. Ever. That would go against all the reasons why we're here.
Life will always be worth marveling at. We are so blessed.
That doesn't make it easy, and that's okay.
I'm not a naturally grumpy person. I'm actually quite happy. (This was the most mind-boggling discovery of all. I still can't believe I randomly smile into my pillow in the middle of the night. I smile driving down the freeway, I smile in long, boring work meetings, I smile when I'm doing laundry, making dinner, staring at the ceiling. I can't stop smiling. At nothing except the total amazingness of life. It's been over a year since I first started tricking my brain into thinking it had more neurotransmitters than it does and partaking daily of caffeine. And I'm still smiling like an idiot. Who am I?)
Nobody will ever be a whole person, standing tall all by themselves. It doesn't work like that. We all need our things and we need our people. I can never be just me. I can never rely on myself for all my strength. I can never expect to have everything I need all for myself. I need my giant bed and my stack of books, the wind tangling my hair into a thousand tiny knots, the sun seeping into my bones. I need eclairs and apples and laughter and new ideas and experiences. I need my mom because she's my best bud. I need my little sister because she simultaneously drives me crazy and keeps me sane. I need my endless numbers of nieces and nephews because they are filled with love and eager to share it and we forget how uncomplicated love is. I also need extra chemicals. And it's okay. This is what I need to be a whole person.
Without all the things I am lost.
It's possible to not just know that life is amazing and wonderful and one should be savoring each moment, but also to feel it in every bit of oneself. It's possible to know with certainty in one's heart that all of this is surreal and wonderful and that it's totally being taken for granted. And that's okay, too.
I will never be content. I am satisfied with what I have accomplished. I am also disappointed about what I haven't accomplished. I am happy with who I am. Yet, I will always be striving to become more and do more. I can't help myself. I will always be disappointed with myself because I will never meet my expectations and won't even come close to my hopes. I celebrate the things worth celebrating. The personal disappointment keeps me striving. I used to dream of living a life of perfect peace and contentment. That will never be me. That's okay, too.
It's okay to love all the things. There's lots of love in me and I'm not ashamed to share it around.
Figuring things out always takes an investment. Time, emotion, usually some money. That's the way of things. That investment made on all the mess-ups and the confusion is not wasted. It's more precious.
I have too many hobbies.
I will never stop collecting hobbies.
I will never grow out of loving video games. Zelda for life.
A home = a never ending list of to do's. I love it.
One of my colleagues at the university where I work calls me "I love it, Megan" behind my back. Because I say I love it a lot. This is because I love all the things.
I assume so much. I understand so little. It's hard for me to remember this.
I could seriously use some different perspectives. I'm good at admitting I'm wrong, but until I see with my own two eyes that I'm wrong, I always think I'm right.
I'm almost never right.
There is nothing wonderful in being the sole winner. The most joy (for me) comes in seeing what others can accomplish.
The world is filled with so many things. Part of the responsibility of living this life is choosing how you spend your time.
There will never be enough time for all the things.
Caustic people make me grumpy which leads me to say things that hurt those caustic people.
I should stay away from caustic people.
I have so much power. We all have so much power. It's frightening.
I'm undependable.
In other ways no one could be more dependable.
It can be painful when the facade we put up and take to be truth starts crumbling around us.
Life gives me headaches. It's 100% worth it.
I wish I spent more time daydreaming.
I wish I spent more time doing.
I do not wish for more time in the day. That sounds exhausting.
I'm okay with who I am. I will always struggle against myself. It's my nature. I hope, in the future, I can be more forgiving, even as I fight to be more of who I want to be and less of who I am.
Sometimes a girl needs to take a nap in the middle of the day.
I'm sure I've missed some of the lessons I learned. Many of the lessons I learned. Likely I'll relearn most of the listed items in the coming year. Maybe not. This year felt like a thousand new discoveries. I'm hoping next year will be slower. In all ways.
Next year I hope to learn what makes people so important. I know that they are. It's something I've always known. I feel it in the pulse of large cities. It nearly overwhelms me when I hold new babies. It's a truth that has guided how I order my life.
Knowing why feels important.
Also, it's the middle of the night. All sorts of things seem like a good idea in the middle of the night.
I've spent most of the past 48 hours sleeping. Guess I finally ran out of sleep.
They say you should get up and do things when you can't sleep at night. Technically I'm not up yet. Yay for portable laptops in bed.
They also say if you have trouble sleeping there are things you should do to ensure a good sleeping environment. Having a laptop in bed in the middle of the night goes against everything they say. I'm a champion sleeper so I'm not worried.
Generally, when I'm up in the middle of the night and not sleeping, I stay in bed not sleeping and it's fine. Tonight I was thinking of all the things and I felt like an idiot smiling into my pillow at 2:00 in the morning for no good reason.
Now I'm smiling at the computer screen. Still for no good reason. My smile is bigger than it was. Also for no good reason.
Guys. 2015.
It was a stinking hard year. Let me say that again.
It was a stinking hard year.
I'm glad it's nearly over. At the same time I'm feeling nostalgic and sentimental. Thus the smiles.
I learned so much. Hard things. Not things to smile about. Yet, things worth smiling about. I think the hard things always are a mix of both.
The things:
I am a total and complete wreck. More of a wreck than I used to pretend to believe but actually didn't. Top to bottom, front to back, I'm a wreck of a person bumbling my way through life.
Everyone is bumbling through life. It's the only way to do it.
Life will never be easy. Ever. That would go against all the reasons why we're here.
Life will always be worth marveling at. We are so blessed.
That doesn't make it easy, and that's okay.
I'm not a naturally grumpy person. I'm actually quite happy. (This was the most mind-boggling discovery of all. I still can't believe I randomly smile into my pillow in the middle of the night. I smile driving down the freeway, I smile in long, boring work meetings, I smile when I'm doing laundry, making dinner, staring at the ceiling. I can't stop smiling. At nothing except the total amazingness of life. It's been over a year since I first started tricking my brain into thinking it had more neurotransmitters than it does and partaking daily of caffeine. And I'm still smiling like an idiot. Who am I?)
Nobody will ever be a whole person, standing tall all by themselves. It doesn't work like that. We all need our things and we need our people. I can never be just me. I can never rely on myself for all my strength. I can never expect to have everything I need all for myself. I need my giant bed and my stack of books, the wind tangling my hair into a thousand tiny knots, the sun seeping into my bones. I need eclairs and apples and laughter and new ideas and experiences. I need my mom because she's my best bud. I need my little sister because she simultaneously drives me crazy and keeps me sane. I need my endless numbers of nieces and nephews because they are filled with love and eager to share it and we forget how uncomplicated love is. I also need extra chemicals. And it's okay. This is what I need to be a whole person.
Without all the things I am lost.
It's possible to not just know that life is amazing and wonderful and one should be savoring each moment, but also to feel it in every bit of oneself. It's possible to know with certainty in one's heart that all of this is surreal and wonderful and that it's totally being taken for granted. And that's okay, too.
I will never be content. I am satisfied with what I have accomplished. I am also disappointed about what I haven't accomplished. I am happy with who I am. Yet, I will always be striving to become more and do more. I can't help myself. I will always be disappointed with myself because I will never meet my expectations and won't even come close to my hopes. I celebrate the things worth celebrating. The personal disappointment keeps me striving. I used to dream of living a life of perfect peace and contentment. That will never be me. That's okay, too.
It's okay to love all the things. There's lots of love in me and I'm not ashamed to share it around.
Figuring things out always takes an investment. Time, emotion, usually some money. That's the way of things. That investment made on all the mess-ups and the confusion is not wasted. It's more precious.
I have too many hobbies.
I will never stop collecting hobbies.
I will never grow out of loving video games. Zelda for life.
A home = a never ending list of to do's. I love it.
One of my colleagues at the university where I work calls me "I love it, Megan" behind my back. Because I say I love it a lot. This is because I love all the things.
I assume so much. I understand so little. It's hard for me to remember this.
I could seriously use some different perspectives. I'm good at admitting I'm wrong, but until I see with my own two eyes that I'm wrong, I always think I'm right.
I'm almost never right.
There is nothing wonderful in being the sole winner. The most joy (for me) comes in seeing what others can accomplish.
The world is filled with so many things. Part of the responsibility of living this life is choosing how you spend your time.
There will never be enough time for all the things.
Caustic people make me grumpy which leads me to say things that hurt those caustic people.
I should stay away from caustic people.
I have so much power. We all have so much power. It's frightening.
I'm undependable.
In other ways no one could be more dependable.
It can be painful when the facade we put up and take to be truth starts crumbling around us.
Life gives me headaches. It's 100% worth it.
I wish I spent more time daydreaming.
I wish I spent more time doing.
I do not wish for more time in the day. That sounds exhausting.
I'm okay with who I am. I will always struggle against myself. It's my nature. I hope, in the future, I can be more forgiving, even as I fight to be more of who I want to be and less of who I am.
Sometimes a girl needs to take a nap in the middle of the day.
I'm sure I've missed some of the lessons I learned. Many of the lessons I learned. Likely I'll relearn most of the listed items in the coming year. Maybe not. This year felt like a thousand new discoveries. I'm hoping next year will be slower. In all ways.
Next year I hope to learn what makes people so important. I know that they are. It's something I've always known. I feel it in the pulse of large cities. It nearly overwhelms me when I hold new babies. It's a truth that has guided how I order my life.
Knowing why feels important.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
The Things We Do
Last night I threw up all over everything.
When I say everything what I mean is, I threw up all over my very large bathroom (I might have purchased my house because of the bathroom), and then all over the floor and the toilet in the potty closet. Which made finishing my throw up session difficult.
Be grateful for double sinks.
Pro tip: barfing in a toilet is better than barfing on a toilet. Those boogers have a million nooks and crannies and you have to clean them all or the smell of barfings past will haunt all your potty sessions for months to come.
What am I doing on the computer? Well, I'm working.
I did take a sick day. I'm also working.
Put out one fire. Now I'm taking a little break. When I'm done here I'll put out another fire.
Yes, they did both need to be done today. With the holiday at the end of the week and a couple of January 4 launches that came down not very long ago from the president of the university himself, sometimes you have to work on your sick days.
My sick day will extend into tomorrow. Don't you worry.
Right now I feel like my head is going to explode.
Which could explain the barfing except for the fact that I threw up everything I ate yesterday.
Disgusting alert: bits of blueberry skin (from my oatmeal breakfast) and carrot shreds (from my lunchtime salad) are hard to mistake for anything else. Especially when you're trying desperately to keep your mind off the smell of the mess you're cleaning up because otherwise you'll start barfing up bile since your stomach is already empty. And the toilet is still covered in barf, so what would you do with it?
Questions to the universe:
Sometimes I miss the days of being an editor.
I don't miss the paycheck. The general lack of respect. The dehumanizing whenever anyone found out I was an editor. The delight in pointing out mistakes in my speech. (Even if I hadn't made one. People get surly when you try to explain why what you said is actually correct. They dislike feeling stupid. Which is funny, because they were trying to make me feel stupid so they could feel superior.)
I slept for a glorious five hours before logging in to put out fires. I'm sure I'll be tired enough to need a nap after I'm done with my work.
Once my nap is through, there's only one thing to be done.
I have 12 books checked out from the library. Plus two new novels from Christmas. I don't feel awesome, but I do feel good enough to read.
Being sick is not delightful.
I adore lounging in my bed doing nothing but reading and dreaming and sleeping. Best day ever.
On Being an Adult:
As an adult I had to clean up my own barf. I dry heave a lot. I don't barf a lot. This time I didn't dry heave. I just barfed.
It made me feel bad for my parents. All those nights as a child when they had to do the barf cleaning up, bathe me, put me in clean clothes, wash the sheets and clean the carpet.
My bathroom is tile so it wasn't hard to clean. I put myself in the shower and started my own load of laundry.
On Being a Child:
As I cleaned up my barf, I remembered being a child. My pa holding my hair and rubbing my back as I emptied my stomach. My ma putting me in one of her t-shirts and letting me snuggle close despite the probability of more barfing. They did all this simply because they loved me.
People are pretty incredible.
You should give your parents a hug.
When I say everything what I mean is, I threw up all over my very large bathroom (I might have purchased my house because of the bathroom), and then all over the floor and the toilet in the potty closet. Which made finishing my throw up session difficult.
Be grateful for double sinks.
Pro tip: barfing in a toilet is better than barfing on a toilet. Those boogers have a million nooks and crannies and you have to clean them all or the smell of barfings past will haunt all your potty sessions for months to come.
What am I doing on the computer? Well, I'm working.
I did take a sick day. I'm also working.
Put out one fire. Now I'm taking a little break. When I'm done here I'll put out another fire.
Yes, they did both need to be done today. With the holiday at the end of the week and a couple of January 4 launches that came down not very long ago from the president of the university himself, sometimes you have to work on your sick days.
My sick day will extend into tomorrow. Don't you worry.
Right now I feel like my head is going to explode.
Which could explain the barfing except for the fact that I threw up everything I ate yesterday.
Disgusting alert: bits of blueberry skin (from my oatmeal breakfast) and carrot shreds (from my lunchtime salad) are hard to mistake for anything else. Especially when you're trying desperately to keep your mind off the smell of the mess you're cleaning up because otherwise you'll start barfing up bile since your stomach is already empty. And the toilet is still covered in barf, so what would you do with it?
Questions to the universe:
- Why does barfing generally happen in the middle of the night?
- Why can't it smell like strawberries? Our body is one big mess of chemicals. It ought to work harder to smell good on the inside.
- Why am I always slammed with work that should have been done yesterday?
- Levels of urgent at my workplace:
- Drop everything else and get this done because we need it now.
- Ah! This should have been done three days ago. Drop everything you dropped all the other things for and get it done!
- WHY ISN'T THIS DONE! (people running around screaming in panic) GET IT DONE! NOWNOWNOWNOW
Sometimes I miss the days of being an editor.
I don't miss the paycheck. The general lack of respect. The dehumanizing whenever anyone found out I was an editor. The delight in pointing out mistakes in my speech. (Even if I hadn't made one. People get surly when you try to explain why what you said is actually correct. They dislike feeling stupid. Which is funny, because they were trying to make me feel stupid so they could feel superior.)
I slept for a glorious five hours before logging in to put out fires. I'm sure I'll be tired enough to need a nap after I'm done with my work.
Once my nap is through, there's only one thing to be done.
I have 12 books checked out from the library. Plus two new novels from Christmas. I don't feel awesome, but I do feel good enough to read.
Being sick is not delightful.
I adore lounging in my bed doing nothing but reading and dreaming and sleeping. Best day ever.
On Being an Adult:
As an adult I had to clean up my own barf. I dry heave a lot. I don't barf a lot. This time I didn't dry heave. I just barfed.
It made me feel bad for my parents. All those nights as a child when they had to do the barf cleaning up, bathe me, put me in clean clothes, wash the sheets and clean the carpet.
My bathroom is tile so it wasn't hard to clean. I put myself in the shower and started my own load of laundry.
On Being a Child:
As I cleaned up my barf, I remembered being a child. My pa holding my hair and rubbing my back as I emptied my stomach. My ma putting me in one of her t-shirts and letting me snuggle close despite the probability of more barfing. They did all this simply because they loved me.
People are pretty incredible.
You should give your parents a hug.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
2016: Stop Freaking Out
I'm known for my elaborate and over the top system for making new year goals. My system changes from year to year. It's important to remain open to the possibility for improvement. I certainly am not the same person from year to year. It's silly to think that a system that served me last year will serve me again this year.
My 2015 goals were mostly for the exercise of making goals. Not because I thought I would complete them. This year, these past two years, have been real doozies.
I have a million plans and thoughts and ideas about 2016. Okay, a million is a bit high. Certainly hundreds is accurate.
I'll get to them I'm sure. Or a small portion of them.
(Most of my plans go unfulfilled. Part of the problem of having hundreds of plans but only 24 hours each day and really enjoying lying in bed dreaming.)
In January, Ma and I are going to pressure can beans (eek! if you her a grisly story in the news about two women who exploded themselves to bits while trying to pressure can beans, it's us). Sometime in the first couple of months of the new year I intend to send my little niece in Kentucky a video or two of piano instruction to finish what we started when I was visiting. I plan to be better at prepping food for my consumption at home. I intend to get a perfect score on the GRE, I'm going to take the PMP, and I have applications to fill out. Once or twice a month I'm going to take one or two of my nieces or nephews for a special play date for me and them.
Those are the things that I intend to make happen. The list is much longer than that.
After that comes the list of things I would love to have happen but aren't top priority. That list goes all the way to the moon and back.
Through all of this, there is only one thing that matters most. My top priority for 2016.
Stop freaking out.
I live in stress mode. I feel like a failure pretty much all the time. That's part of the problem with having so many hopes and dreams. It's not possible to complete even 5% of all the things. How can I be anything other than a failure? I get overwhelmed and unhappy and freak out over the silliest of things. Things I wanted to do for the fun of it became heavy items on my to do list. I just need to get all these things done!
It is not a delightful way to delight in the wonder of this life and all the things.
So.
2016: Stop Freaking Out.
I've been practicing this December. December is my prep month. Sometimes I think I'm doing well. Then I have a dream in which I'm totally stressed or I realize that my neck muscles are trying to win a tensing contest or I stress-buy apples for an apple pie I probably won't get around to making.
Lately, I've been talking myself through my days, step by step.
This is my brain: It snowed again, hooray! I need to shovel but I don't own a shovel. I should buy a shovel. Also rice and half and half and sweet potatoes. Registration! My car needs to be registered and it needs safety or emissions, one or the other. I'll check my email. Emil! I promised him I would send pictures. Brain, remember to send pictures to emil. Ooh, look at all the pretty emails! Car registration. Focus. Before my car goes in I need to take everything out. Gross, my car is a wreck. Junk in the back seat, junk in the trunk. Ha, junk in the trunk. It all needs to come out. It also needs a good vacuum. I should wash and vacuum it before I take it in. After I take care of all the things. Before I bring all that stuff up I should take care of the things in my room that I haven't yet. The garbage and the recycling and the things leftover from my Kentucky trip. Ooh, my duct tape. Best duct tape every. I really need to finish putting duct tape on my trash and recycling cans so nobody steals them again. Yes. I should box up my DI stuff so I could put it in my car after I take everything out and drop it off on my way to the service place and to buy my shovel. Oh! And I need some more apples, too. Mmm, apples. I should probably buy some yeast so I can make bread. And I need to make more muffins for my freezer. What else should I put in my freezer. Some more soups? Rice? Little cubes of frozen sauce? That means I'll need ice cube trays. Maybe I should get fun ice cube trays. Like star shapes. Then I can pull out my rice, my star shape sauce, and a bag of vegetables. Voila! Deliciousness. Maybe I should do an internet search for fun shaped ice cube trays. First, I should really brush my teeth. And do my work things. All the work things. Ugh. Good thing there are star shaped frozen sauces to help me through the day.
These thoughts are going through my brain as I'm running around doing things, of course, and so I'm changing direction in the middle and leaving pretty much everything half done. I come back around to it eventually. It is almost impossible for me to start a task and finish it without starting in on at least several other things at the same time.
(Another one of my plans for 2016: finish all the projects.)
As part of the stop freaking out plan, I talk myself through one step at a time.
Before I can do any of the things in the above mentioned paragraph, I should change out of my pajamas and into warmer clothes. I try to get distracted but remind myself, what are you doing? Putting on clothes. Right. Work yoga pants. Shirt. Jacket. Warm socks. Good. Now. Brush your teeth. BUT THE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE PUT AWAY! You'll get to that. Brush your teeth. Fix your hair. Wash your face.
I can't say if I'm more productive or less productive. I can say that it's a lot harder to freak out when you're standing at the sink brushing your teeth thinking only of brushing your teeth than if you're brushing your teeth and trying to do ten other things that you left ten other things in order to start working on.
Progress.
I hope.
What's next:
1. Refill coke
2. Make bed
3. Sort laundry
4. All the work things
All the other things nipping and nagging for my attention (all the things in the above paragraph describing my brain (have I mentioned that focusing on one thing is really hard for me; even my brain likes being on two or three different paths all at the same time) and the things it wants me to do) can wait until it's their turn on the list.
Watch out world. A calm, peaceful, focused, unfreaking out Megan is on the way. Yes, you should be worried.
Between this paragraph and the last paragraph I got distracted and not by anything on my what's next list.
Le sigh.
The world doesn't need to watch out. This is going to be a long time coming.
PS MERRY CHRISTMAS!
PPS I can't decide if I'm going to make a boat load of delicious Christmas treats or if I'm going to gorge myself on baked sweet potatoes. Probably the latter. It's a change in tradition from sugars and sweets to delicious root vegetables, but I'm craving the roots.
PPPS Who am I?
PPPPS One of my goals of this Christmas season is to learn to play several Christmas carols on my ukulele. Yes, this is happening.
My 2015 goals were mostly for the exercise of making goals. Not because I thought I would complete them. This year, these past two years, have been real doozies.
I have a million plans and thoughts and ideas about 2016. Okay, a million is a bit high. Certainly hundreds is accurate.
I'll get to them I'm sure. Or a small portion of them.
(Most of my plans go unfulfilled. Part of the problem of having hundreds of plans but only 24 hours each day and really enjoying lying in bed dreaming.)
In January, Ma and I are going to pressure can beans (eek! if you her a grisly story in the news about two women who exploded themselves to bits while trying to pressure can beans, it's us). Sometime in the first couple of months of the new year I intend to send my little niece in Kentucky a video or two of piano instruction to finish what we started when I was visiting. I plan to be better at prepping food for my consumption at home. I intend to get a perfect score on the GRE, I'm going to take the PMP, and I have applications to fill out. Once or twice a month I'm going to take one or two of my nieces or nephews for a special play date for me and them.
Those are the things that I intend to make happen. The list is much longer than that.
After that comes the list of things I would love to have happen but aren't top priority. That list goes all the way to the moon and back.
Through all of this, there is only one thing that matters most. My top priority for 2016.
Stop freaking out.
I live in stress mode. I feel like a failure pretty much all the time. That's part of the problem with having so many hopes and dreams. It's not possible to complete even 5% of all the things. How can I be anything other than a failure? I get overwhelmed and unhappy and freak out over the silliest of things. Things I wanted to do for the fun of it became heavy items on my to do list. I just need to get all these things done!
It is not a delightful way to delight in the wonder of this life and all the things.
So.
2016: Stop Freaking Out.
I've been practicing this December. December is my prep month. Sometimes I think I'm doing well. Then I have a dream in which I'm totally stressed or I realize that my neck muscles are trying to win a tensing contest or I stress-buy apples for an apple pie I probably won't get around to making.
Lately, I've been talking myself through my days, step by step.
This is my brain: It snowed again, hooray! I need to shovel but I don't own a shovel. I should buy a shovel. Also rice and half and half and sweet potatoes. Registration! My car needs to be registered and it needs safety or emissions, one or the other. I'll check my email. Emil! I promised him I would send pictures. Brain, remember to send pictures to emil. Ooh, look at all the pretty emails! Car registration. Focus. Before my car goes in I need to take everything out. Gross, my car is a wreck. Junk in the back seat, junk in the trunk. Ha, junk in the trunk. It all needs to come out. It also needs a good vacuum. I should wash and vacuum it before I take it in. After I take care of all the things. Before I bring all that stuff up I should take care of the things in my room that I haven't yet. The garbage and the recycling and the things leftover from my Kentucky trip. Ooh, my duct tape. Best duct tape every. I really need to finish putting duct tape on my trash and recycling cans so nobody steals them again. Yes. I should box up my DI stuff so I could put it in my car after I take everything out and drop it off on my way to the service place and to buy my shovel. Oh! And I need some more apples, too. Mmm, apples. I should probably buy some yeast so I can make bread. And I need to make more muffins for my freezer. What else should I put in my freezer. Some more soups? Rice? Little cubes of frozen sauce? That means I'll need ice cube trays. Maybe I should get fun ice cube trays. Like star shapes. Then I can pull out my rice, my star shape sauce, and a bag of vegetables. Voila! Deliciousness. Maybe I should do an internet search for fun shaped ice cube trays. First, I should really brush my teeth. And do my work things. All the work things. Ugh. Good thing there are star shaped frozen sauces to help me through the day.
These thoughts are going through my brain as I'm running around doing things, of course, and so I'm changing direction in the middle and leaving pretty much everything half done. I come back around to it eventually. It is almost impossible for me to start a task and finish it without starting in on at least several other things at the same time.
(Another one of my plans for 2016: finish all the projects.)
As part of the stop freaking out plan, I talk myself through one step at a time.
Before I can do any of the things in the above mentioned paragraph, I should change out of my pajamas and into warmer clothes. I try to get distracted but remind myself, what are you doing? Putting on clothes. Right. Work yoga pants. Shirt. Jacket. Warm socks. Good. Now. Brush your teeth. BUT THE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE PUT AWAY! You'll get to that. Brush your teeth. Fix your hair. Wash your face.
I can't say if I'm more productive or less productive. I can say that it's a lot harder to freak out when you're standing at the sink brushing your teeth thinking only of brushing your teeth than if you're brushing your teeth and trying to do ten other things that you left ten other things in order to start working on.
Progress.
I hope.
What's next:
1. Refill coke
2. Make bed
3. Sort laundry
4. All the work things
All the other things nipping and nagging for my attention (all the things in the above paragraph describing my brain (have I mentioned that focusing on one thing is really hard for me; even my brain likes being on two or three different paths all at the same time) and the things it wants me to do) can wait until it's their turn on the list.
Watch out world. A calm, peaceful, focused, unfreaking out Megan is on the way. Yes, you should be worried.
Between this paragraph and the last paragraph I got distracted and not by anything on my what's next list.
Le sigh.
The world doesn't need to watch out. This is going to be a long time coming.
PS MERRY CHRISTMAS!
PPS I can't decide if I'm going to make a boat load of delicious Christmas treats or if I'm going to gorge myself on baked sweet potatoes. Probably the latter. It's a change in tradition from sugars and sweets to delicious root vegetables, but I'm craving the roots.
PPPS Who am I?
PPPPS One of my goals of this Christmas season is to learn to play several Christmas carols on my ukulele. Yes, this is happening.
Friday, November 6, 2015
No Spend Forever
It's Friday night. I'm sitting on my bed, listening for my laundry and writing out plans in my journal.
It's been a whirlwind sort of week. Sitting on my bed, alone, in the quiet is good.
Last month was All Over October. I didn't know it until the end of the month and I looked back on all the things and realized I had done everything all over. I rearranged my bedroom. I changed my fitness routine, my schedule, how I teach my class on Sunday, my system for tracking my projects at work, my budget, how I use my planner. Nearly everything in October was torn to the ground and built back up again, keeping the parts that worked and starting from scratch where it made sense.
This is not uncommon in my life. I like knocking down everything I've done before and starting over. I find it frustrating that life in general doesn't work like that.
It's six days into No Spend November.
It's four days into No Spend Forever.
Some people have the good luck of considering carefully major life decisions.
I have the good luck of getting hit over the head. In a moment too small to realize, I know that it is time for things to change.
My major life changes happen in the same way that a person remember something they've forgotten. The name of that person or that restaurant you went to on your first date. You can't recall it and then it's there. Maybe in the middle of the night. Maybe in the shower. Maybe when you're studying or watching a show or driving to the store. Bam!
That is how things change in my life. Like remembering something I used to know. There's no dithering or wondering or comparing life plans. My life was like this. The next moment it's like that instead.
These life insights always throw into chaos my carefully crafted and revised life plans and inevitably leave me with a slight twinge of whiplash.
I am pursuing a PhD. I'm not thinking about pursuing a PhD. I'm not doing research and deciding carefully if it's the right path for me.
It doesn't matter that I've never considered a PhD before. That I told people often that I had no interest in the time investment, expense, or credentials that came with a PhD. That wasn't for me.
Four days ago I had a life insight. Bam!
I'm now working toward a PhD.
I have my preferred program and my back up program picked out. I have a timeline and a savings plan. I have study plans. (My preferred program requires that I be competent in two languages besides English. I need to do some serious brushing up on my French.)
What I thought was No Spend November is now No Spend Forever because PhDs are expensive.
It's been a whirlwind sort of week. Sitting on my bed, alone, in the quiet is good.
Last month was All Over October. I didn't know it until the end of the month and I looked back on all the things and realized I had done everything all over. I rearranged my bedroom. I changed my fitness routine, my schedule, how I teach my class on Sunday, my system for tracking my projects at work, my budget, how I use my planner. Nearly everything in October was torn to the ground and built back up again, keeping the parts that worked and starting from scratch where it made sense.
This is not uncommon in my life. I like knocking down everything I've done before and starting over. I find it frustrating that life in general doesn't work like that.
It's six days into No Spend November.
It's four days into No Spend Forever.
Some people have the good luck of considering carefully major life decisions.
I have the good luck of getting hit over the head. In a moment too small to realize, I know that it is time for things to change.
My major life changes happen in the same way that a person remember something they've forgotten. The name of that person or that restaurant you went to on your first date. You can't recall it and then it's there. Maybe in the middle of the night. Maybe in the shower. Maybe when you're studying or watching a show or driving to the store. Bam!
That is how things change in my life. Like remembering something I used to know. There's no dithering or wondering or comparing life plans. My life was like this. The next moment it's like that instead.
These life insights always throw into chaos my carefully crafted and revised life plans and inevitably leave me with a slight twinge of whiplash.
I am pursuing a PhD. I'm not thinking about pursuing a PhD. I'm not doing research and deciding carefully if it's the right path for me.
It doesn't matter that I've never considered a PhD before. That I told people often that I had no interest in the time investment, expense, or credentials that came with a PhD. That wasn't for me.
Four days ago I had a life insight. Bam!
I'm now working toward a PhD.
I have my preferred program and my back up program picked out. I have a timeline and a savings plan. I have study plans. (My preferred program requires that I be competent in two languages besides English. I need to do some serious brushing up on my French.)
What I thought was No Spend November is now No Spend Forever because PhDs are expensive.
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