Today

I spent most of the week in downtown SLC at a conference my university holds each year for its employees. I went armed with two 2-liters of diet coke, a bottle of vanilla flavoring, and a sandwich baggy of IB, Tylenol, Sudafed, and Tums.

The coke for headaches, the IB for headaches and wrist pain, the Tylenol for when I needed a little more help with my headaches, the Sudafed for when I consumed milk, yogurt, or cream and it clogged up my sinuses and worsened my headache, and the Tums to help settle my stomach when my headache got bad enough that it made me physically ill.

Truth: I’m a hot mess.

I am much better at caring for myself than I was a year ago. Because I feel better, I don’t much care about people seeing me with my baggy of pills or watching me pop pills again and again. At one point I even brought my 2-liter of coke and my bottle of vanilla flavoring into a meeting with me. It was the last day of the conference in the morning, so the lunch soda pop cans weren’t out yet (I also consumed a vast amount of 12 oz cans of coke each day). I was fending off a migraine and in a relatively good mood.

Previous work conferences resulted in me moving between a state of complete zombie-hood and incredible amounts of anger and frustration.

This year I was okay. Still tired and worn out from being with people all the time (my MBTI results from the week before the conference showed me as a serious introvert; no surprise) but okay.

It was weird to be so okay.

I did forget some things. Like my need for sunshine. My need for peace and quiet and meditation time to just think. A few other things, too.

I’ve begun a list. I call it, “Rules and Truths for Taking Care of Me.”

I’ve mentioned some of my truths before. I’ve never tried to consolidate them into a single list. I’ve barely started and it’s long long long.

This list is important.

Rule 1: When I don’t take care of myself, I will fall apart. It’s inevitable.

The list will help me fall apart less often. If I remember to review my rule and truths and act on them.

Someday I might even function almost like a normal person.

Mind boggled.

Another rule: I should never try and figure out at night what I’m capable of the next day.

Today starts our Park City week. I’m in SLC, just a mountain hop away. The parents suggested since I’d be in SLC until today that I join them and spend the night and then Sunday with them. I’m not intending to spend any other time in Park City. I need to be home. I need to work. I need to take care of my life. (See: Megan is a hot mess.)

Last night I called them. They were on a hot date for Friday fish fry and pie. I told them there was no stinking way I could meet them in Park City. I needed to go home.

This morning I woke up and I felt so good and happy and free (conference being over) and of course I could meet them in Park City. I had to check out in the morning time and they couldn’t check in until late afternoon time. I’d pick up a late breakfast or early lunch, head to the downtown SLC library, and get some serious five-year life plan work done. When they set out for Park City, they would call me and I would meet them there. Simple, convenient, perfect.

Last night I didn’t know what I was capable of today.

I used to be very good at gauging what I’d be capable of the next day. I’m a new person. I’m not familiar with me yet.

I made some notes and plans about my five-year life plan. I also started work on my list of Rules and Truths for Taking Care of Me. The list of Rules and Truths for Taking Care of Me must be followed for me to have any hope of accomplishing my five-year life plan. I’ve only got four years and four and a half months left.

Truth: I am a hot mess.

Rule: Deal with it.

Rule 1: When I don’t take care of myself, I will fall apart. It’s inevitable.

For so long I felt entirely incapable, barely holding things together. I knew I ought to be able to do more, but I couldn’t.

I’ve still got a ways to go. Lessons to learn, truths to discover, and rules to follow. I’m headed in the right direction. Finally. Working on becoming the best version of myself.

PS One of my favorite rules: Chocolate is a mild anti-depressant. Use it.