What I did in 2015

I bought a house.

I traveled a lot. I don't remember how many times or to how many places.

I read 75 books.

I went through the entire holiday day season without baking anything. Lots of plans for things to bake. Ingredients bought. Yet, no baking. Or candy making. This is a lifetime first. I'm not sad either. Weird.

I made and froze whole apple pies, unbaked, with whole wheat crusts. I plan to eat my first slice tonight.

I tried one new variety of apple. It was tart and crunchy and will make amazing pie or crisp. It would be super good as a caramel apple.

I fell in love with upstate new york in the springtime. Also, their farmer's market.

I bombed on all of my 2015 new year resolutions. The only one I remember is adding $12,000 to my down payment fund by the end of the year. Fail.

I drove nearly 10,000 miles going cross country and back multiple times.

I bought 20 lbs of poly fil.

I used about 18 pounds of it.

The rest I ditched in Kentucky so the nieces and nephews can stop cutting up tiny bits of knit fabric to use as stuffing for their sock cats and hand-sewn monsters.

I might be the best aunt ever. For reals.

I am favorite aunt to at least two of my nieces and nephews. I'm a serious contender for seven more. Bam.

I tried to take care of myself emotionally. It was hard. And weird. I preferring ignoring my emotional angst.

I started seeing a witch doctor. The general populace knows him as a chiropractor that believes in alternative healing.

He's nearly fixed my wrists.

He also gave me pills for my frequent gagging. Who knew you could supplement gagging? It didn't help. It made me gag more. A lot more.

I practiced piano for the first time in 12 years. I used to think I was bad at sixteen notes.

I'm super super bad at sixteenth notes.

My sugar cravings have been tamed.

I wore out two pairs of boots.

I decreased my scarf wardrobe to about 18.

I bought five cake stands. Only four survived.

I had big plans. I did big things.

What I planned and what I did has almost no overlap.

I reconnected with a dear, childhood friend. Without facebook.

I realized that it doesn't matter how much money I make (I got a fabulous raise earlier in the year). I will always feel poor because I will always want more money. I will never save enough money.  Thus, I will never have enough money. I've decided to deal with it. I'm trying to be less o
f a freak about money.

I sewed dozens of letter pillows.

Most of my Christmas gifts were perfect. I love getting the perfect gift for the perfect person.

I went to Mexico for the first time and loved it.

I met my Mom's cousin that she didn't know existed from the side of the family that I've never met.

I bought my first large appliance. Yay for fridges.

I bought my second large appliance. Yay for extra freezers.

I had a birthday veggie platter instead of a birthday cake.

I bought a dozen eclairs the day after the birthday veggie platter. I shared four and ate the rest in about 24 hours.

I installed my own water softener.

I opened a scribd.com account. With all the travel, it was life changing.

I cancelled my scribd account.

I was gifted a samsung galaxy nook tablet days after I cancelled my scribd account.

I'm seriously considering reopening my scribd account.

I also cancelled my B&N membership. I don't buy books anymore. It's not a money priority.

My parents gifted me a B&N membership for my birthday. They didn't actually spend the money. They gave me a pamphlet with the gift written on it. I'm supposed to use my credit card and then get reimbursed. I don't buy books. I think I'll keep the pamphlet and not renew my membership. To remind me how much my parents love me.

I dug out all of my projects. I didn't finish a single one, but I've got plans. So many plans.

I got rid of boxes and boxes of books.

I still have enough books to fill three full-size shelves with leftovers.

I decided to accept myself as I am.

I learned that when I'm overly stressed I stop eating. It's much easier to crawl back into bed under stress than to find food.

I bought myself an ice cream maker. I only made a single batch of ice cream in it. I've made dozens of batches of ice cream in my brother's, my sister's, and my mother's ice cream tub.

I made my own reusable dryer sheets.

I started cleaning with vinegar and water.

I've learned that vinegar and water followed by olive oil is like magic on stainless steel appliances.

I bought my first Christmas decorations.

I acquired a small green ukelele. I don't know how to play it yet.

I wore through another sterling silver ring. I nearly always wear one on one of my fingers. I like my jewelry to be small and delicate which means that constant wear leads to wearing out. I've learned from experience that once the ring splits on one side, it won't be long until it splits on the other side. I split a ring completely in half. I have a ring on a necklace that I wore until it split on one side. Now I have another one.

I might be the only person I know that has actually worn out a ring.

I started wearing the green uggs that I've had for two or three years but never worn. It was necessary after wearing out two pairs of boots.

Mostly this year was a whirl of travel, babies, work, and not enough sleep. It's hard to get a lot of things done when you spend most of your time other places.

I'm sure I did things that I'm not remembering.

I feel good about this list as it is.

Now it's time to start making a new list. The best part of every new everything.

What I Read in 2015

The Favorites:

• Cry the Beloved Country
• Everything I Never Told You
• Joy Luck Club
• Housekeeping
• Gone With the Wind
• Station 11
• Wildwood Dancing
• The Prydian Chronicles
• The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak

The Disappointments:

• Doll Bones
• Girls in White Dresses
• Outlander
• Mennonite in a Little Black Dress
• A Thousand Pieces of You
• The Heart Goes Last
• House Girl

The Surprises:

• Cry the Beloved Country
• Peter and the Starcatchers
• 10% Happier
• Gone with the Wind
• State of Wonder
• Everything I Never Told You
• Going Vintage
• The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak
• The Elegance of the Hedgehog
• Bone Gap
• Counting by 7s
• The Walls Around Us
• The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

Favorite Covers: 

• Going Vintage
• The Girl who Saved the King of Sweden
• A Thousand Pieces of You
• The Improbable Theory of Ana and Zak
• House Girl
• Station 11
• The Last Ever After
• The Elegance of the Hedgehog
• Housekeeping
• Everything I Never Told You
• Girl on a Wire
• Doll Bones

What I Learned in 2015

This is a new end of year wrap-up post. Probably I have more of those than any one person should. This one seemed important.

Also, it's the middle of the night. All sorts of things seem like a good idea in the middle of the night.

I've spent most of the past 48 hours sleeping. Guess I finally ran out of sleep.

They say you should get up and do things when you can't sleep at night. Technically I'm not up yet. Yay for portable laptops in bed.

They also say if you have trouble sleeping there are things you should do to ensure a good sleeping environment. Having a laptop in bed in the middle of the night goes against everything they say. I'm a champion sleeper so I'm not worried.

Generally, when I'm up in the middle of the night and not sleeping, I stay in bed not sleeping and it's fine. Tonight I was thinking of all the things and I felt like an idiot smiling into my pillow at 2:00 in the morning for no good reason.

Now I'm smiling at the computer screen. Still for no good reason. My smile is bigger than it was. Also for no good reason.

Guys. 2015.

It was a stinking hard year. Let me say that again.

It was a stinking hard year.

I'm glad it's nearly over. At the same time I'm feeling nostalgic and sentimental. Thus the smiles.

I learned so much. Hard things. Not things to smile about. Yet, things worth smiling about. I think the hard things always are a mix of both.

The things:

I am a total and complete wreck. More of a wreck than I used to pretend to believe but actually didn't. Top to bottom, front to back, I'm a wreck of a person bumbling my way through life.

Everyone is bumbling through life. It's the only way to do it.

Life will never be easy. Ever. That would go against all the reasons why we're here.

Life will always be worth marveling at. We are so blessed.

That doesn't make it easy, and that's okay.

I'm not a naturally grumpy person. I'm actually quite happy. (This was the most mind-boggling discovery of all. I still can't believe I randomly smile into my pillow in the middle of the night. I smile driving down the freeway, I smile in long, boring work meetings, I smile when I'm doing laundry, making dinner, staring at the ceiling. I can't stop smiling. At nothing except the total amazingness of life. It's been over a year since I first started tricking my brain into thinking it had more neurotransmitters than it does and partaking daily of caffeine. And I'm still smiling like an idiot. Who am I?)

Nobody will ever be a whole person, standing tall all by themselves. It doesn't work like that. We all need our things and we need our people. I can never be just me. I can never rely on myself for all my strength. I can never expect to have everything I need all for myself. I need my giant bed and my stack of books, the wind tangling my hair into a thousand tiny knots, the sun seeping into my bones. I need eclairs and apples and laughter and new ideas and experiences. I need my mom because she's my best bud. I need my little sister because she simultaneously drives me crazy and keeps me sane. I need my endless numbers of nieces and nephews because they are filled with love and eager to share it and we forget how uncomplicated love is. I also need extra chemicals. And it's okay. This is what I need to be a whole person.

Without all the things I am lost.

It's possible to not just know that life is amazing and wonderful and one should be savoring each moment, but also to feel it in every bit of oneself. It's possible to know with certainty in one's heart that all of this is surreal and wonderful and that it's totally being taken for granted. And that's okay, too.

I will never be content. I am satisfied with what I have accomplished. I am also disappointed about what I haven't accomplished. I am happy with who I am. Yet, I will always be striving to become more and do more. I can't help myself. I will always be disappointed with myself because I will never meet my expectations and won't even come close to my hopes. I celebrate the things worth celebrating. The personal disappointment keeps me striving. I used to dream of living a life of perfect peace and contentment. That will never be me. That's okay, too.

It's okay to love all the things. There's lots of love in me and I'm not ashamed to share it around.

Figuring things out always takes an investment. Time, emotion, usually some money. That's the way of things. That investment made on all the mess-ups and the confusion is not wasted. It's more precious.

I have too many hobbies.

I will never stop collecting hobbies.

I will never grow out of loving video games. Zelda for life.

A home = a never ending list of to do's. I love it.

One of my colleagues at the university where I work calls me "I love it, Megan" behind my back. Because I say I love it a lot. This is because I love all the things.

I assume so much. I understand so little. It's hard for me to remember this.

I could seriously use some different perspectives. I'm good at admitting I'm wrong, but until I see with my own two eyes that I'm wrong, I always think I'm right.

I'm almost never right.

There is nothing wonderful in being the sole winner. The most joy (for me) comes in seeing what others can accomplish.

The world is filled with so many things. Part of the responsibility of living this life is choosing how you spend your time.

There will never be enough time for all the things.

Caustic people make me grumpy which leads me to say things that hurt those caustic people.

I should stay away from caustic people.

I have so much power. We all have so much power. It's frightening.

I'm undependable.

In other ways no one could be more dependable.

It can be painful when the facade we put up and take to be truth starts crumbling around us.

Life gives me headaches. It's 100% worth it.

I wish I spent more time daydreaming.

I wish I spent more time doing.

I do not wish for more time in the day. That sounds exhausting.

I'm okay with who I am. I will always struggle against myself. It's my nature. I hope, in the future, I can be more forgiving, even as I fight to be more of who I want to be and less of who I am.

Sometimes a girl needs to take a nap in the middle of the day.


I'm sure I've missed some of the lessons I learned. Many of the lessons I learned. Likely I'll relearn most of the listed items in the coming year. Maybe not. This year felt like a thousand new discoveries. I'm hoping next year will be slower. In all ways.

Next year I hope to learn what makes people so important. I know that they are. It's something I've always known. I feel it in the pulse of large cities. It nearly overwhelms me when I hold new babies. It's a truth that has guided how I order my life.

Knowing why feels important.

The Things We Do

Last night I threw up all over everything.

When I say everything what I mean is, I threw up all over my very large bathroom (I might have purchased my house because of the bathroom), and then all over the floor and the toilet in the potty closet. Which made finishing my throw up session difficult.

Be grateful for double sinks.

Pro tip: barfing in a toilet is better than barfing on a toilet. Those boogers have a million nooks and crannies and you have to clean them all or the smell of barfings past will haunt all your potty sessions for months to come.

What am I doing on the computer? Well, I'm working.

I did take a sick day. I'm also working.

Put out one fire. Now I'm taking a little break. When I'm done here I'll put out another fire.

Yes, they did both need to be done today. With the holiday at the end of the week and a couple of January 4 launches that came down not very long ago from the president of the university himself, sometimes you have to work on your sick days.

My sick day will extend into tomorrow. Don't you worry.

Right now I feel like my head is going to explode.

Which could explain the barfing except for the fact that I threw up everything I ate yesterday.

Disgusting alert: bits of blueberry skin (from my oatmeal breakfast) and carrot shreds (from my lunchtime salad) are hard to mistake for anything else. Especially when you're trying desperately to keep your mind off the smell of the mess you're cleaning up because otherwise you'll start barfing up bile since your stomach is already empty. And the toilet is still covered in barf, so what would you do with it?

Questions to the universe:

1. Why does barfing generally happen in the middle of the night?
2. Why can't it smell like strawberries? Our body is one big mess of chemicals. It ought to work harder to smell good on the inside.
3. Why am I always slammed with work that should have been done yesterday?
1. Levels of urgent at my workplace:
1. Drop everything else and get this done because we need it now.
2. Ah! This should have been done three days ago. Drop everything you dropped all the other things for and get it done!
3. WHY ISN'T THIS DONE! (people running around screaming in panic) GET IT DONE! NOWNOWNOWNOW

This is not an exaggeration. There are, of course, those projects that are meant to fill in the holes when we run out of things to do. Those projects are so unimportant they never get done because I'm never finished with the three levels of urgent.

Sometimes I miss the days of being an editor.

I don't miss the paycheck. The general lack of respect. The dehumanizing whenever anyone found out I was an editor. The delight in pointing out mistakes in my speech. (Even if I hadn't made one. People get surly when you try to explain why what you said is actually correct. They dislike feeling stupid. Which is funny, because they were trying to make me feel stupid so they could feel superior.)

I slept for a glorious five hours before logging in to put out fires. I'm sure I'll be tired enough to need a nap after I'm done with my work.

Once my nap is through, there's only one thing to be done.

I have 12 books checked out from the library. Plus two new novels from Christmas. I don't feel awesome, but I do feel good enough to read.

Being sick is not delightful.

I adore lounging in my bed doing nothing but reading and dreaming and sleeping. Best day ever.

On Being an Adult:
As an adult I had to clean up my own barf. I dry heave a lot. I don't barf a lot. This time I didn't dry heave. I just barfed.

It made me feel bad for my parents. All those nights as a child when they had to do the barf cleaning up, bathe me, put me in clean clothes, wash the sheets and clean the carpet.

My bathroom is tile so it wasn't hard to clean. I put myself in the shower and started my own load of laundry.

On Being a Child:
As I cleaned up my barf, I remembered being a child. My pa holding my hair and rubbing my back as I emptied my stomach. My ma putting me in one of her t-shirts and letting me snuggle close despite the probability of more barfing. They did all this simply because they loved me.

People are pretty incredible.

You should give your parents a hug.

2016: Stop Freaking Out

I'm known for my elaborate and over the top system for making new year goals. My system changes from year to year. It's important to remain open to the possibility for improvement. I certainly am not the same person from year to year. It's silly to think that a system that served me last year will serve me again this year.

My 2015 goals were mostly for the exercise of making goals. Not because I thought I would complete them. This year, these past two years, have been real doozies.

I have a million plans and thoughts and ideas about 2016. Okay, a million is a bit high. Certainly hundreds is accurate.

I'll get to them I'm sure. Or a small portion of them.

(Most of my plans go unfulfilled. Part of the problem of having hundreds of plans but only 24 hours each day and really enjoying lying in bed dreaming.)

In January, Ma and I are going to pressure can beans (eek! if you her a grisly story in the news about two women who exploded themselves to bits while trying to pressure can beans, it's us). Sometime in the first couple of months of the new year I intend to send my little niece in Kentucky a video or two of piano instruction to finish what we started when I was visiting. I plan to be better at prepping food for my consumption at home. I intend to get a perfect score on the GRE, I'm going to take the PMP, and I have applications to fill out. Once or twice a month I'm going to take one or two of my nieces or nephews for a special play date for me and them.

Those are the things that I intend to make happen. The list is much longer than that.

After that comes the list of things I would love to have happen but aren't top priority. That list goes all the way to the moon and back.

Through all of this, there is only one thing that matters most. My top priority for 2016.

Stop freaking out.

I live in stress mode. I feel like a failure pretty much all the time. That's part of the problem with having so many hopes and dreams. It's not possible to complete even 5% of all the things. How can I be anything other than a failure? I get overwhelmed and unhappy and freak out over the silliest of things. Things I wanted to do for the fun of it became heavy items on my to do list. I just need to get all these things done!

It is not a delightful way to delight in the wonder of this life and all the things.

So.

2016: Stop Freaking Out.

I've been practicing this December. December is my prep month. Sometimes I think I'm doing well. Then I have a dream in which I'm totally stressed or I realize that my neck muscles are trying to win a tensing contest or I stress-buy apples for an apple pie I probably won't get around to making.

Lately, I've been talking myself through my days, step by step.

This is my brain: It snowed again, hooray! I need to shovel but I don't own a shovel. I should buy a shovel. Also rice and half and half and sweet potatoes. Registration! My car needs to be registered and it needs safety or emissions, one or the other. I'll check my email. Emil! I promised him I would send pictures. Brain, remember to send pictures to emil. Ooh, look at all the pretty emails! Car registration. Focus. Before my car goes in I need to take everything out. Gross, my car is a wreck. Junk in the back seat, junk in the trunk. Ha, junk in the trunk. It all needs to come out. It also needs a good vacuum. I should wash and vacuum it before I take it in. After I take care of all the things. Before I bring all that stuff up I should take care of the things in my room that I haven't yet. The garbage and the recycling and the things leftover from my Kentucky trip. Ooh, my duct tape. Best duct tape every. I really need to finish putting duct tape on my trash and recycling cans so nobody steals them again. Yes. I should box up my DI stuff so I could put it in my car after I take everything out and drop it off on my way to the service place and to buy my shovel. Oh! And I need some more apples, too. Mmm, apples. I should probably buy some yeast so I can make bread. And I need to make more muffins for my freezer. What else should I put in my freezer. Some more soups? Rice? Little cubes of frozen sauce? That means I'll need ice cube trays. Maybe I should get fun ice cube trays. Like star shapes. Then I can pull out my rice, my star shape sauce, and a bag of vegetables. Voila! Deliciousness. Maybe I should do an internet search for fun shaped ice cube trays. First, I should really brush my teeth. And do my work things. All the work things. Ugh. Good thing there are star shaped frozen sauces to help me through the day.

These thoughts are going through my brain as I'm running around doing things, of course, and so I'm changing direction in the middle and leaving pretty much everything half done. I come back around to it eventually. It is almost impossible for me to start a task and finish it without starting in on at least several other things at the same time.

(Another one of my plans for 2016: finish all the projects.)

As part of the stop freaking out plan, I talk myself through one step at a time.

Before I can do any of the things in the above mentioned paragraph, I should change out of my pajamas and into warmer clothes. I try to get distracted but remind myself, what are you doing? Putting on clothes. Right. Work yoga pants. Shirt. Jacket. Warm socks. Good. Now. Brush your teeth. BUT THE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE PUT AWAY! You'll get to that. Brush your teeth. Fix your hair. Wash your face.

I can't say if I'm more productive or less productive. I can say that it's a lot harder to freak out when you're standing at the sink brushing your teeth thinking only of brushing your teeth than if you're brushing your teeth and trying to do ten other things that you left ten other things in order to start working on.

Progress.

I hope.

What's next:
1. Refill coke
2. Make bed
3. Sort laundry
4. All the work things

All the other things nipping and nagging for my attention  (all the things in the above paragraph describing my brain (have I mentioned that focusing on one thing is really hard for me; even my brain likes being on two or three different paths all at the same time) and the things it wants me to do) can wait until it's their turn on the list.

Watch out world. A calm, peaceful, focused, unfreaking out Megan is on the way. Yes, you should be worried.

Between this paragraph and the last paragraph I got distracted and not by anything on my what's next list.

Le sigh.

The world doesn't need to watch out. This is going to be a long time coming.

PS MERRY CHRISTMAS!

PPS I can't decide if I'm going to make a boat load of delicious Christmas treats or if I'm going to gorge myself on baked sweet potatoes. Probably the latter. It's a change in tradition from sugars and sweets to delicious root vegetables, but I'm craving the roots.

PPPS Who am I?

PPPPS One of my goals of this Christmas season is to learn to play several Christmas carols on my ukulele. Yes, this is happening.

No Spend Forever

It's Friday night. I'm sitting on my bed, listening for my laundry and writing out plans in my journal.

It's been a whirlwind sort of week. Sitting on my bed, alone, in the quiet is good.

Last month was All Over October. I didn't know it until the end of the month and I looked back on all the things and realized I had done everything all over. I rearranged my bedroom. I changed my fitness routine, my schedule, how I teach my class on Sunday, my system for tracking my projects at work, my budget, how I use my planner. Nearly everything in October was torn to the ground and built back up again, keeping the parts that worked and starting from scratch where it made sense.

This is not uncommon in my life. I like knocking down everything I've done before and starting over. I find it frustrating that life in general doesn't work like that.

It's six days into No Spend November.

It's four days into No Spend Forever.

Some people have the good luck of considering carefully major life decisions.

I have the good luck of getting hit over the head. In a moment too small to realize, I know that it is time for things to change.

My major life changes happen in the same way that a person remember something they've forgotten. The name of that person or that restaurant you went to on your first date. You can't recall it and then it's there. Maybe in the middle of the night. Maybe in the shower. Maybe when you're studying or watching a show or driving to the store. Bam!

That is how things change in my life. Like remembering something I used to know. There's no dithering or wondering or comparing life plans. My life was like this. The next moment it's like that instead.

These life insights always throw into chaos my carefully crafted and revised life plans and inevitably leave me with a slight twinge of whiplash.

I am pursuing a PhD. I'm not thinking about pursuing a PhD. I'm not doing research and deciding carefully if it's the right path for me.

It doesn't matter that I've never considered a PhD before. That I told people often that I had no interest in the time investment, expense, or credentials that came with a PhD. That wasn't for me.

Four days ago I had a life insight. Bam!

I'm now working toward a PhD.

I have my preferred program and my back up program picked out. I have a timeline and a savings plan. I have study plans. (My preferred program requires that I be competent in two languages besides English. I need to do some serious brushing up on my French.)

What I thought was No Spend November is now No Spend Forever because PhDs are expensive.

Learning to Relax

I am working on relaxing. It's not a skill I came with.

Evidence: My piano teacher would stand behind me nearly every lesson, grab my arms, and shake out my hands. "Relax, relax, relax." I was seven.

Tuesday morning my yoga instructor talking about the importance of being rather than always doing. Learn to not do, to not worry so much about where you are going, but to take in where you are. Slow down, she said. (I'm also supposed to be working on drishti.)

Tuesday afternoon the witch doctor (aka chiropractor that believes in natural remedies for everything) told me I need to learn how to relax. He gently reminded me several times during my ultra sound treatment and following forearm and hand massage to stop holding my arm up. Relax the shoulders relax your arm, relax your hand. He recommend yoga and meditation. Also putting on some music and just lying and listening. (He knows I'm classically trained pianist. That's how I ended up there in the first place.) He also told me I need relax while I'm playing. Once upon a time, when I rocked at the piano my muscles would get so tight that I couldn't move my fingers without shaking out my arms. My proposed method for learning to relax while playing? Scales. Really slow scales. I'm supposed to be practicing fifteen minutes a day. I have a hard time making it happen. It's like I'm ten all over again, except back then it was an hour and a half.

Wednesday my massage therapist told me I needed to relax. "Relax, relax, relax," she said. She told me I should practice relaxing outside of the massage room so I would be better at relaxing inside the massage room. I also wouldn't get so many knots for her to work out and thus wouldn't get so many migraines. Restorative yoga, meditation, and deep breathing would help. (I also apparently need to shake my booty more often. She recommended salsa dancing, which would also help relieve stress.)

I don't know how to relax.

A couple of years ago I had so much tension in my neck and cheek muscles that I cracked one of my teeth. I didn't know until several months later when I went to see the dentist. I've been afraid of overly tight cheek muscles since. I can feel that they are tight now, but not teeth clenching tight.

A yoga instructor, witch doctor, and a massage therapist seems like a bit much for one person. I'm aware.

For the first time ever I'm willing to admit I'm a hot mess and so am able to deal with some of my problems. It's a process. In a few months I'm hoping to drop the witch doctor. I'm also hoping in not too many more months I can see the massage therapist less. It's hard to work out 28 years of knots. I carry my stress in my shoulders and neck and I am always stressed. It's family tradition, after all.

I'm having a hard time comprehending how I can relax, but also add more things into my life to help me relax. I'm doing yoga, but I need to add in restorative yoga. I need to get my meditation in every day. I need to pick up latin dancing or running. I need to take time to just be, to settle myself into myself and be. I need to be okay with getting less done.

I'm not okay with getting less done. I need to do more, learn more, think more, accomplish more!

Also, I need to come up with a new financial plan. I am always stressed about money. I don't know anybody who is more careful with money than I am. Except maybe the little sister. Even so, my financial goals are ambitious. Probably impractical when you consider how little I leave for actual living expenses if I were to meet my goals every month (I don't, which also stresses me out). I'm currently putting about $600 extra toward my mortgage each month. I could reduce it to $400. The thought of doing that makes my heart hurt a little. And makes me feel stressed. Boo.

If anybody has tips on relaxing, please share. Relaxing is not my best thing.

PS My massage therapist thinks that someday I won't have headaches every day. "It may be genetic," she says, "but even genes need a trigger." I don't believe I'll ever reduce my stress enough to not have daily headaches.

PPS Why is taking care of yourself so hard?

PPPS I'm also supposed to be changing my diet. Toxins, too much sugar, not enough of the essential building blocks all stress your body out, not mention make it harder for your brain to function the way it should. Whole grains, organic fruits and vegetables when possible, more vegetables, more protein, more healthy fats. How can I do all the things AND learn to relax? It's a losing battle.

Fall

It's the beginning of fall. Mostly.

Technically fall hasn't started. By my calendar, we're about two weeks into fall. For ease of personal accounting, fall begins September 1.

At the beginning of each season I sneak into the Little Brother's room and write up a list of goals for him. I don't know that he even reads the lists of goals I write up for him. But he knows they are there and he knows I did it and it makes him roll his eyes at me.

Have I mentioned that getting eye rolls from the little brother is one of my keenest pleasures in life? All is right when I get a good eye roll.

A few days ago, while the little brother was at school, I snuck into his room, erased his summer goals, and wrote up a list of four or five fall goals. It occurred to me, as I was kneeling on the floor considering what might be good goals for him this fall, that I should perhaps consider fall goals for myself.

I made goals for my brother who had his own goals and ignored mine. It would be more effective and really just a good idea for me to make goals for myself. So I did.

I've been making summer goals for as long as I can remember. They are always frivolous and full of fun and I make no effort to make them happen.

I tried to do the same with my fall goals, but I couldn't. I suppose I'm a product of the school system I grew up in. Summers are full of lightness. Falls are for productivity and accomplishment. I did manage to slip in one thing frivolous, but it's actually not that frivolous.

My goals, in no particular order:

1. Get my mornings together
2. Establish a yoga habit
3. Finish the New Testament
4. InDesign planner pages
5. tress coach
6. Complete Nanowrimo
7. Order green shimmer nail polish
8. Build things
9. Finish goodreads currently reading list
10. Be Mindful

Goal 1: I'm working hard to establish a morning routine. I'm hoping having a consistent but not too restrictive way to start my mornings will help set me up for better, less stressful days and more productivity.

Goal 2: I'm looking for physical and mental benefits here. Yoga gives me a place to breath, to center myself on myself. It ought to help with my stress levels, my tight neck and shoulders, my weak back, my sanity levels, and my brain chemistry. Win, win, win, win, and win. It's important to me to establish this habit before the shorter days of winter come.

Goal 3: I started it at the beginning of the year. I need to finish.

Goal 4: I've tried a lot of different planners over the years. Nothing has given me exactly what I wanted out of a planner. So I bought myself a mini three-ring binder and I'm making my own planning pages. This way, I can make them exactly as I want. It also means I can easily make changes as my needs change. I have lots of pages to finish, finance pages, monthly, weekly, and daily pages, meal pages. I want to get my basic system established before the new year. 

Goal 5: My work offers me access to health coaches for free. Part of my thinks it's bunk. But it's free so I'll try it. I am trying to reduce stress to reduce headaches to reduce the times I need to hide in my bed. So, I'll try it. Maybe they can offer me strategies I haven't thought off myself.

Goal 6: I'm going to participate in and complete Nanowrimo this year. It's happening.

Goal 7: I've been searching for the perfect green shimmer nail polish for years. I had one as a teenager that I had on my toe nails almost always. I think I've found the perfect one. I just need to make room for it in my frivolous budget either this month or next.

Goal 8: I need shelves in my cold storage and step stools in my pantry and closet. I want to build these things.

Goal 9: Sometimes I need to clear things out completely so I can start over new. I'm tired of some of the items that have been hanging out on my currently reading. It's time to finish them all so I can start clean.

Goal 10: I want to be more mindful. Of everything. Of myself, of the things I can do to help myself and to help others, of the tremendous blessings I have in my life.

PS For me, goals are fluid. I don't tie myself down and I'm happy to change my goals as needed based on changing circumstances and priorities.

PPS I watched this history channel's ancient aliens program on netflix while I wrote this up. I love alien programs. I think they are all complete bunk which is part of why I enjoy watching them so much. You learn a lot about history that isn't mentioned in normal programs because mostly they talk about the things that are inexplicable. Unless, of course, you introduce aliens into the equation.

PPPS When I write, I dump. I usually go back over my writing and delete at least a third. Make things more concise, tighten it up, delete things that don't matter. Sometimes I take pleasure in letting my brain dump stand. This post is a brain dump with no extra time or conciseness added.

Daydreaming and Doing

Daydreaming.

It's funny. Daydreams are nothing at all like dreams. So why do we call them dreams?

"I have dreamed a dream!"

Really he daydreams a daydream.

I daydream more than anybody I know. Daydreams and plans and lists and schemes and wishes. I have more plans in my back pocket than a plenitude of project managers stuck around a conference table.

Some of my daydreams I've daydreamed today:

• a freezer stocked with frozen peach upside down cakes
• apple handpies, strawberry handpies, blueberry handpies, raspberry handpies, peach handpies
• a fresh, homemade loaf of bread at the beginning of each week
• a visit to Idaho
• the tools I'll buy
• the sofa table, kitchen table, stepstools, outdoor seating, and shelving I'll build
• staying in bed for three days straight (I have a killer of a head cold)
• new planner pages I'll design
• the quilts I'll finish
• ordering seeds from the three organic seed catalogs I've requested (I don't have a yard)
• gardening (I still don't have a yard)
• making delicious, simple, home cooked meals from the juicy berries and fresh vegetables I've grown
• fiscal responsibility and financial security
• Thanksgiving in Kentucky
• books, books, and books
• canning beans
• supporting local farmers
• having two freezers stocked to the nines with perfect food rotation

Doing.

I don't know that I'm much of a doer. I do so much less than I dream. Of course, I say that from my very own house that I bought with money I saved from working the same job for six a half years. I have shelves and shelves of books I've read, a closet full of clothes I've worn to see people and places, an atlas squiggled all over with yellow highlighter to show where I've been.

So I must do some things some times.


Daydreaming and Doing.

I'm trying to let go. To be loosey goosey with my life and my time. To not schedule everything to the tiniest, infinitesimal bit and then be devastated when it doesn't work.

Will this help me do more of my daydreams? I haven't decided yet. I wish I had empirical evidence that tells me it will help.

I don't have the evidence. Which is probably a good thing.


Daydreaming and Doing as Part of Living.

The goal is not to do. Neither is the goal to daydream. The goal is to Live. To live happily and well. Doing is part of living. Daydreaming is another part of living. Neither can subsume the most important thing, which is living.

Do you know what it means to live?

I hope I'm not the only one that forgets that living is the thing. I would feel more human and less awkward and gangly knowing it's a common weakness.

I suppose there's no evidence there either.

What do you do that makes you forget living?

Is it the humdrum of life? Anyone who thinks life is humdrum is not living. This I know.

Is it doing, like me? Or the pursuit of people, friends and other types of relationships both more and less significant? Is it knowledge? A sense of freedom? A desire to be thought well of?


Living.

This life is full of so many things. The abundance is staggering.

Stumbling over the sheer everythingness of life is one of my greatest weaknesses.

I want to stand tall and straight without stumbles. To be at peace on the inside but also to get the very most out of this life that I possibly can.

That may be the most impossible daydream of all.

The End of Summer

There's something sad in the end of summer.

I am not mourning the end of my favorite season. As a child it was not the return to school that saddened me.

Rather, in summer we come close to a lost way of living.

Summer days are filled with sweetness. There are always things to do and new games to discover. Summer invites a carefree feeling even as we continue to grow and learn and change.

I wish I could take the feel of summer with me into the crunchy fall and the chilly winter. The seasons change and life becomes a drudgery of sorts. Things that don't matter all that much suddenly matter a great deal. There's no time for daydreaming or adventuring.

And so I mourn the end of summer. The shortening days and cooling temperatures. The increased desire for productivity.

Someday, the magic of summer will enshroud me like a magic cloak, trailing bits of joyful freedom behind me no matter the season.

The end of summer will be no end at all.

Today

I spent most of the week in downtown SLC at a conference my university holds each year for its employees. I went armed with two 2-liters of diet coke, a bottle of vanilla flavoring, and a sandwich baggy of IB, Tylenol, Sudafed, and Tums.

The coke for headaches, the IB for headaches and wrist pain, the Tylenol for when I needed a little more help with my headaches, the Sudafed for when I consumed milk, yogurt, or cream and it clogged up my sinuses and worsened my headache, and the Tums to help settle my stomach when my headache got bad enough that it made me physically ill.

Truth: I’m a hot mess.

I am much better at caring for myself than I was a year ago. Because I feel better, I don’t much care about people seeing me with my baggy of pills or watching me pop pills again and again. At one point I even brought my 2-liter of coke and my bottle of vanilla flavoring into a meeting with me. It was the last day of the conference in the morning, so the lunch soda pop cans weren’t out yet (I also consumed a vast amount of 12 oz cans of coke each day). I was fending off a migraine and in a relatively good mood.

Previous work conferences resulted in me moving between a state of complete zombie-hood and incredible amounts of anger and frustration.

This year I was okay. Still tired and worn out from being with people all the time (my MBTI results from the week before the conference showed me as a serious introvert; no surprise) but okay.

It was weird to be so okay.

I did forget some things. Like my need for sunshine. My need for peace and quiet and meditation time to just think. A few other things, too.

I’ve begun a list. I call it, “Rules and Truths for Taking Care of Me.”

I’ve mentioned some of my truths before. I’ve never tried to consolidate them into a single list. I’ve barely started and it’s long long long.

This list is important.

Rule 1: When I don’t take care of myself, I will fall apart. It’s inevitable.

The list will help me fall apart less often. If I remember to review my rule and truths and act on them.

Someday I might even function almost like a normal person.

Mind boggled.

Another rule: I should never try and figure out at night what I’m capable of the next day.

Today starts our Park City week. I’m in SLC, just a mountain hop away. The parents suggested since I’d be in SLC until today that I join them and spend the night and then Sunday with them. I’m not intending to spend any other time in Park City. I need to be home. I need to work. I need to take care of my life. (See: Megan is a hot mess.)

Last night I called them. They were on a hot date for Friday fish fry and pie. I told them there was no stinking way I could meet them in Park City. I needed to go home.

This morning I woke up and I felt so good and happy and free (conference being over) and of course I could meet them in Park City. I had to check out in the morning time and they couldn’t check in until late afternoon time. I’d pick up a late breakfast or early lunch, head to the downtown SLC library, and get some serious five-year life plan work done. When they set out for Park City, they would call me and I would meet them there. Simple, convenient, perfect.

Last night I didn’t know what I was capable of today.

I used to be very good at gauging what I’d be capable of the next day. I’m a new person. I’m not familiar with me yet.

I made some notes and plans about my five-year life plan. I also started work on my list of Rules and Truths for Taking Care of Me. The list of Rules and Truths for Taking Care of Me must be followed for me to have any hope of accomplishing my five-year life plan. I’ve only got four years and four and a half months left.

Truth: I am a hot mess.

Rule: Deal with it.

Rule 1: When I don’t take care of myself, I will fall apart. It’s inevitable.

For so long I felt entirely incapable, barely holding things together. I knew I ought to be able to do more, but I couldn’t.

I’ve still got a ways to go. Lessons to learn, truths to discover, and rules to follow. I’m headed in the right direction. Finally. Working on becoming the best version of myself.

PS One of my favorite rules: Chocolate is a mild anti-depressant. Use it.

A Typical New York Work Day

He switches from by my side on the piano bench (the chairs have already been sold) to under the desk with the toys. It gives him ample opportunity to ask "What are you doing?" at random intervals. The answer is always work but I suppose he wants to check, just to make sure I haven't started doing something super fun without him.

Things

Tomorrow I leave for upstate New York. It's the last time I'll go there to help out the Middle Brother. They're moving, you see. To Utah. I'll be helping out, but on my own turf.

Because it is the last time, I must remember to do all the things I love. It feels a little bit like saying goodbye to home.

Ma and I are driving.

Yes, we are, in fact, crazy.

I got a big, fat raise earlier this week. For the first time in my professional life I'm making what someone of my education, competence, and abilities ought to be making.

It feels awesome.

To celebrate my recent raise I'm going to buy an ice cream maker and tubs to keep my ice cream in. I'm aiming to have at least four different kinds of homemade ice cream in the freezer at all times. Sorbets and frozen yogurts also count.

This is in addition to my goal of having popsicles in the freezer at all times.

Yes, life requires both popsicles and ice cream. Every day. Always.

I have lots of goals for 2015.

I've thrown most of them out. Not out as in never to be seen again. I'm trying to focus on what really needs to happen in my life. With all the crazy going on there's only room for a couple of them.

My priority list now consists of three items, the third of which is completely useless and means little when it comes to tasks to complete. (Priority 3: Live Well) Which means I actually have two items on my priority list for every day. I manage to get them both done maybe half the time.

Good thing my priority list isn't any longer.

I also have a priority list for Sundays. It also has two things on it.

Item 1 on the every day list and the Sunday list are the same. Item 2 is not.

I'm obsessed with my house. I love it. It makes me happy to come home to it.

Everytime I do something to my house to make it a little more mine I love it all the more.

I recently moved in one of my pianos. My little brown piano that I grew up with. The one where I spent thousands of hours of my childhood practicing. Not exaggerating. I walk down the stairs and see it sitting there, waiting for me. I smile.

I looked up my former piano teacher. She's still teaching. After I see the witch doctor (read: chiropractor that specializes in natural remedies that has cured other ailing pianists of their tendonitis) I hope to take from her again. Hannon here I come.

Now that I have a house of my own, Ma thinks it's time I looked into investment real estate.

Um, Ma. I just bought a house.

She is also excited by the idea of pallet furniture. An exchange of the other day.

Ma: [excited face] Guess what!?
Me: You want to buy me a cookie.
Ma: Yes, I do. Also, there are entire websites dedicated to using old pallets to make things. Like tables and boxes. [face that says she's just given me the world]
Me: Oh, yeah. They do some cool things with those old pallets.
Ma: Uh huh. I was thinking maybe you could use old pallets to make stuff. For your house! Isn't that a fun idea? [really, really, really excited face]
Me: Well, yeah, that does sound fun. Unfortunately, surplus pallets has never been one of my problems.
Ma: But the websites! There are so many project ideas! I can show them to you.
Me: Sounds fun. I still don't have any pallets.

That really did happen in my life. The Ma is still excited.

I've been dreaming up shelves to build that can house the music for my piano. I've committed in my mind to what I'd like to do. I can't wait to put it together.

The parents house their music in two filing cabinets. Two, tall, ugly, metal filing cabinets that I'm still too short to use well. Even on my tippy toes I have a hard time seeing what is in the highest drawer.

I've started eating two Tums every day to try and counteract the effect of the carbonic acid I've begun imbibing on a daily basis. Pretty sure my bones feel stronger. Lots stronger.

I have a chaise in my bedroom. A real, live chaise. It's awesome.

I have more socks than three of you put together. I easily have five dozen and wouldn't be surprised if I had an even hundred.

I have fewer socks now than I have ever had in my lifetime ever.

The only socks I have ever purchased for myself are my running socks.

The Ma likes to buy socks.

The Little Sister and I go shopping together once a week. We double cart it, each with a babe. Thank goodness she thinks she's done. I can't push two carts with a babe each. I'm not that talented.

When we give the little one a cookie he smashes it into his mouth and holds the crumbs in his two fists. He sucks on these crumbs through the whole shopping trip. He likes his cookies.

The older one thinks he ought to be able to walk on his own. He knows what his favorite things look like and will put packages of cookies, jars of applesauce, and cans of fruit in the cart while you're not looking. He's not two yet.

The two words he says most often are Tate (his little brother) and coke. He knows what life is all about.

He knows who Nana, Papa, Momma, and Daddy are. He has no name for me but instead greets me with a scream.

When he finds he needs a name for me, either Nana or Momma will do.

If you tell him my name is Meggy, he laughs at you.

I have two roommates. I love when they are both out late. When they are home, we chat in the evening. When they are out, I climb into bed between 8:00 and 8:30. I am an old lady.

I wrote up a summer bucket list maybe a month and a half ago. It's gonna be one, big, fat fail this year.

My summer has been fabulous so far and it's only going to get better.

I spent the morning installing a water softener in my house.

Yup. I have a house. In which I installed the water softener.

Bam. Master plumber am I.

I have been crunching numbers like crazy for the past month. Never before have I been so poor. Never before have I been so obsessed with my living space.

Seriously obsessed over here.

It's been a long time since I posted regularly.

When I think of the last year or so a lot of words come to mind.

Crazy

Awesome

Exhausting

Fun

Not fun

Long and slow

Fast, fast, fast

When I think about it, it's hard to realize that so much time has passed because it was one crazy ride. At the same time, it makes sense that so much time has passed because happenings were packed in as tight as they could get.

This is not a promise of regular posts to come.

I wanted to pop in simply to say that life is incredible and I'm in a good place right now. A happy sort of place.

Life.

Freaking awesome.

My Favorite Brother

I have three brothers. I'm in the habit of telling each of them they are my favorite. Like this.

Brother (little, middle, or big) does something awesome for me. I say, "You're my favorite brother."

The little brother, on these occasions, smirks in a way that says, of course I'm your favorite. I am, after all, the coolest.

The middle brother raises his eyebrows and makes a funny face that says, I'm happy and flattered to be your favorite but you have two other brothers and we need to be fair to them.

The big brother laughs in a way that says he thinks it's a joke and makes some silly comment or motion that displays his obvious superiority as a brother. Like flexing his biceps. Also as a joke because he and I are jokers.

I have three brothers and each is my favorite. I'm the luckiest sister in the world.

My Year in Books

What I did in 2014

This post is late. Nine days late. Consider it a testament to my long year.

I became a green smoothie making master. When I make them, they are delicious. Also, very green.

I spent three months in NY taking care of my sick sister-in-law and her three kids. I spent one month in UT taking care of my sick sister-in-law and her three kids.

I learned what it is like to be a working mother and that I don't like it.

I bought and used hair product. It made waking up in the morning and getting my hair out of the way for the day so I could be a working mother much easier.

I read 69 books including 8 classics and 17 nonfiction books.

My plan to read a classic a month failed.

I visited Boston for the first time.

I visited Phoenix for the first time as an autonomous adult (I have vague memories of visiting grandparents in Phoenix when I was three or four, which clearly doesn't count).

I visited:

• Phoenix (twice)
• Boston
• Ballston Spa, NY (three times)
• San Diego 
• Iowa (for the 100th annual powwow!)
• St. George
• Park City
• Concord, MA
• Minute Man national park

I visited Orchard House and The Old Manse.

I learned that Concord grapes were developed in Concord, MA.

I learned that Paul Revere's ride was an even bigger bunch of bunk that I had heard it was but there is a large memorial gravestone and a memorial where Paul Revere was stopped on his ride anyway.

I visited the olive grove in Phoenix and saw olive trees for the first time.

I ate a peanut butter cookie made with olive oil that was delicious, unlike the peanut butter cookies with olive oil I tried to make in 2013 which were not delicious.

I wore a streak of green in my hair for eight months.

I tried about 10 varieties of apples I had never had before. I think my favorite was the Kiku apple. Yum.

I tried three varieties of pears I had never had before. I loved the starkrimsons.

I made pear butter for the first time.

I learned that if I can run four miles in May and I spend the summer not running, I probably won't be able to run four miles in November.

I bought a running hat with a hole for my ponytail. I love it.

I bought three new pairs of pants and eight new pairs of shoes. (This was clearly not a year of no spending).

I bought ten new nail polish colors, none of which I have used.

I did something that I've been putting off for over a decade. First I was in denial, then I knew but was too stubborn. Now that it's done, the rest of all my years will be better. (i.e., ma thinks there's a chance some man might actually fall in love with me now and ask me to have all his babies. Cause I'm not so grumpy anymore. The suspense might just kill her.)

I helped ma purchase 675 lindor truffles for the christmas season. The caramel ones were not delicious but the sea salt ones were very delicious.

I read the Old Testament and still don't understand most of it.

I paid off my car.

I was called to the best church calling ever. I was the fourth sunday relief society teacher, a calling I've never had before but subbed for on occasion. I was released three months later at which time I commenced weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth.

I bought a few special issue magazines on canning but didn't can a thing.

Ma and I used more vegetables from the vegetable garden this year than ever before despite being less available to use garden things.

Among the garden things, I made a bunch of freezer, blender salsa bags. Fresh salsa all winter long.

I became an auntie to one new nephew.

I started lots of projects that I didn't finish.

I reduced my two and a half shelves of unread books to one and a half shelves.

I reduced my shoe wardrobe significantly enough that they all fit in my closet and I no longer need to keep some of my shoes under my bed.

I gave away lots of clothes to my sisters and often see them wearing things that look much better on them and get used a lot more. Win.

I learned to make a really good loaf of 18 hour bread.

I spent most of the year eating homemade bread only. No store bought for us.

I ate more black raspberry, marshmallow milkshakes than a single person should ever consume.

I finished a novel but then decided it wasn't finished and jumped back in.

I started but didn't finish a short story in October featuring the ghost of a lonely young man.

I used up 21 fat quarters from my store of fat quarters and I feel very accomplished.

I started drinking caffeine on a regular basis. I'm a nicer person with a little bit of caffeine in my system, dang genetics. I prefer my caffeine as diet coke with some delicious syrups and a bunch of half and half in it. Then it's more like candy than coke. Yum.

I started getting serious about family history work and I've made good progress.

I ran holes into several pairs of running socks.

I surprised my father with my physical strength.

I killed three house plants. They aren't particularly forgiving when you go out of town on a frequent basis.

I got a new plant a week before the end of the year. I'm sure it will be dead before the end of 2015. Poor thing.


Since we're eight days in, I'll tell you now that 2015 has been great.

I've read two books from my need to read shelf in my room.

I've bemoaned my shelf and a half of need to read books to more than one person, wishing I could spend hours picking out books at the library instead.

I've signed up for a 5k.

I've laughed with friends and family.

I pants shopped for my sister who really, really needed it.

I've exercised on some days and not exercised on others.

I taught a freaking awesome lesson on 2015 intentions.

I've experimented with wet styles (i.e., out of the shower styles) for my shorter hair. Ponytails don't work. Braided buns work better than expected.