Learning to Relax

I am working on relaxing. It's not a skill I came with.

Evidence: My piano teacher would stand behind me nearly every lesson, grab my arms, and shake out my hands. "Relax, relax, relax." I was seven.

Tuesday morning my yoga instructor talking about the importance of being rather than always doing. Learn to not do, to not worry so much about where you are going, but to take in where you are. Slow down, she said. (I'm also supposed to be working on drishti.)

Tuesday afternoon the witch doctor (aka chiropractor that believes in natural remedies for everything) told me I need to learn how to relax. He gently reminded me several times during my ultra sound treatment and following forearm and hand massage to stop holding my arm up. Relax the shoulders relax your arm, relax your hand. He recommend yoga and meditation. Also putting on some music and just lying and listening. (He knows I'm classically trained pianist. That's how I ended up there in the first place.) He also told me I need relax while I'm playing. Once upon a time, when I rocked at the piano my muscles would get so tight that I couldn't move my fingers without shaking out my arms. My proposed method for learning to relax while playing? Scales. Really slow scales. I'm supposed to be practicing fifteen minutes a day. I have a hard time making it happen. It's like I'm ten all over again, except back then it was an hour and a half.

Wednesday my massage therapist told me I needed to relax. "Relax, relax, relax," she said. She told me I should practice relaxing outside of the massage room so I would be better at relaxing inside the massage room. I also wouldn't get so many knots for her to work out and thus wouldn't get so many migraines. Restorative yoga, meditation, and deep breathing would help. (I also apparently need to shake my booty more often. She recommended salsa dancing, which would also help relieve stress.)

I don't know how to relax.

A couple of years ago I had so much tension in my neck and cheek muscles that I cracked one of my teeth. I didn't know until several months later when I went to see the dentist. I've been afraid of overly tight cheek muscles since. I can feel that they are tight now, but not teeth clenching tight.

A yoga instructor, witch doctor, and a massage therapist seems like a bit much for one person. I'm aware.

For the first time ever I'm willing to admit I'm a hot mess and so am able to deal with some of my problems. It's a process. In a few months I'm hoping to drop the witch doctor. I'm also hoping in not too many more months I can see the massage therapist less. It's hard to work out 28 years of knots. I carry my stress in my shoulders and neck and I am always stressed. It's family tradition, after all.

I'm having a hard time comprehending how I can relax, but also add more things into my life to help me relax. I'm doing yoga, but I need to add in restorative yoga. I need to get my meditation in every day. I need to pick up latin dancing or running. I need to take time to just be, to settle myself into myself and be. I need to be okay with getting less done.

I'm not okay with getting less done. I need to do more, learn more, think more, accomplish more!

Also, I need to come up with a new financial plan. I am always stressed about money. I don't know anybody who is more careful with money than I am. Except maybe the little sister. Even so, my financial goals are ambitious. Probably impractical when you consider how little I leave for actual living expenses if I were to meet my goals every month (I don't, which also stresses me out). I'm currently putting about $600 extra toward my mortgage each month. I could reduce it to $400. The thought of doing that makes my heart hurt a little. And makes me feel stressed. Boo.

If anybody has tips on relaxing, please share. Relaxing is not my best thing.

PS My massage therapist thinks that someday I won't have headaches every day. "It may be genetic," she says, "but even genes need a trigger." I don't believe I'll ever reduce my stress enough to not have daily headaches.

PPS Why is taking care of yourself so hard?

PPPS I'm also supposed to be changing my diet. Toxins, too much sugar, not enough of the essential building blocks all stress your body out, not mention make it harder for your brain to function the way it should. Whole grains, organic fruits and vegetables when possible, more vegetables, more protein, more healthy fats. How can I do all the things AND learn to relax? It's a losing battle.

Fall

It's the beginning of fall. Mostly.

Technically fall hasn't started. By my calendar, we're about two weeks into fall. For ease of personal accounting, fall begins September 1.

At the beginning of each season I sneak into the Little Brother's room and write up a list of goals for him. I don't know that he even reads the lists of goals I write up for him. But he knows they are there and he knows I did it and it makes him roll his eyes at me.

Have I mentioned that getting eye rolls from the little brother is one of my keenest pleasures in life? All is right when I get a good eye roll.

A few days ago, while the little brother was at school, I snuck into his room, erased his summer goals, and wrote up a list of four or five fall goals. It occurred to me, as I was kneeling on the floor considering what might be good goals for him this fall, that I should perhaps consider fall goals for myself.

I made goals for my brother who had his own goals and ignored mine. It would be more effective and really just a good idea for me to make goals for myself. So I did.

I've been making summer goals for as long as I can remember. They are always frivolous and full of fun and I make no effort to make them happen.

I tried to do the same with my fall goals, but I couldn't. I suppose I'm a product of the school system I grew up in. Summers are full of lightness. Falls are for productivity and accomplishment. I did manage to slip in one thing frivolous, but it's actually not that frivolous.

My goals, in no particular order:

1. Get my mornings together
2. Establish a yoga habit
3. Finish the New Testament
4. InDesign planner pages
5. tress coach
6. Complete Nanowrimo
7. Order green shimmer nail polish
8. Build things
9. Finish goodreads currently reading list
10. Be Mindful

Goal 1: I'm working hard to establish a morning routine. I'm hoping having a consistent but not too restrictive way to start my mornings will help set me up for better, less stressful days and more productivity.

Goal 2: I'm looking for physical and mental benefits here. Yoga gives me a place to breath, to center myself on myself. It ought to help with my stress levels, my tight neck and shoulders, my weak back, my sanity levels, and my brain chemistry. Win, win, win, win, and win. It's important to me to establish this habit before the shorter days of winter come.

Goal 3: I started it at the beginning of the year. I need to finish.

Goal 4: I've tried a lot of different planners over the years. Nothing has given me exactly what I wanted out of a planner. So I bought myself a mini three-ring binder and I'm making my own planning pages. This way, I can make them exactly as I want. It also means I can easily make changes as my needs change. I have lots of pages to finish, finance pages, monthly, weekly, and daily pages, meal pages. I want to get my basic system established before the new year. 

Goal 5: My work offers me access to health coaches for free. Part of my thinks it's bunk. But it's free so I'll try it. I am trying to reduce stress to reduce headaches to reduce the times I need to hide in my bed. So, I'll try it. Maybe they can offer me strategies I haven't thought off myself.

Goal 6: I'm going to participate in and complete Nanowrimo this year. It's happening.

Goal 7: I've been searching for the perfect green shimmer nail polish for years. I had one as a teenager that I had on my toe nails almost always. I think I've found the perfect one. I just need to make room for it in my frivolous budget either this month or next.

Goal 8: I need shelves in my cold storage and step stools in my pantry and closet. I want to build these things.

Goal 9: Sometimes I need to clear things out completely so I can start over new. I'm tired of some of the items that have been hanging out on my currently reading. It's time to finish them all so I can start clean.

Goal 10: I want to be more mindful. Of everything. Of myself, of the things I can do to help myself and to help others, of the tremendous blessings I have in my life.

PS For me, goals are fluid. I don't tie myself down and I'm happy to change my goals as needed based on changing circumstances and priorities.

PPS I watched this history channel's ancient aliens program on netflix while I wrote this up. I love alien programs. I think they are all complete bunk which is part of why I enjoy watching them so much. You learn a lot about history that isn't mentioned in normal programs because mostly they talk about the things that are inexplicable. Unless, of course, you introduce aliens into the equation.

PPPS When I write, I dump. I usually go back over my writing and delete at least a third. Make things more concise, tighten it up, delete things that don't matter. Sometimes I take pleasure in letting my brain dump stand. This post is a brain dump with no extra time or conciseness added.