Learning to Relax

I am working on relaxing. It's not a skill I came with.

Evidence: My piano teacher would stand behind me nearly every lesson, grab my arms, and shake out my hands. "Relax, relax, relax." I was seven.

Tuesday morning my yoga instructor talking about the importance of being rather than always doing. Learn to not do, to not worry so much about where you are going, but to take in where you are. Slow down, she said. (I'm also supposed to be working on drishti.)

Tuesday afternoon the witch doctor (aka chiropractor that believes in natural remedies for everything) told me I need to learn how to relax. He gently reminded me several times during my ultra sound treatment and following forearm and hand massage to stop holding my arm up. Relax the shoulders relax your arm, relax your hand. He recommend yoga and meditation. Also putting on some music and just lying and listening. (He knows I'm classically trained pianist. That's how I ended up there in the first place.) He also told me I need relax while I'm playing. Once upon a time, when I rocked at the piano my muscles would get so tight that I couldn't move my fingers without shaking out my arms. My proposed method for learning to relax while playing? Scales. Really slow scales. I'm supposed to be practicing fifteen minutes a day. I have a hard time making it happen. It's like I'm ten all over again, except back then it was an hour and a half.

Wednesday my massage therapist told me I needed to relax. "Relax, relax, relax," she said. She told me I should practice relaxing outside of the massage room so I would be better at relaxing inside the massage room. I also wouldn't get so many knots for her to work out and thus wouldn't get so many migraines. Restorative yoga, meditation, and deep breathing would help. (I also apparently need to shake my booty more often. She recommended salsa dancing, which would also help relieve stress.)

I don't know how to relax.

A couple of years ago I had so much tension in my neck and cheek muscles that I cracked one of my teeth. I didn't know until several months later when I went to see the dentist. I've been afraid of overly tight cheek muscles since. I can feel that they are tight now, but not teeth clenching tight.

A yoga instructor, witch doctor, and a massage therapist seems like a bit much for one person. I'm aware.

For the first time ever I'm willing to admit I'm a hot mess and so am able to deal with some of my problems. It's a process. In a few months I'm hoping to drop the witch doctor. I'm also hoping in not too many more months I can see the massage therapist less. It's hard to work out 28 years of knots. I carry my stress in my shoulders and neck and I am always stressed. It's family tradition, after all.

I'm having a hard time comprehending how I can relax, but also add more things into my life to help me relax. I'm doing yoga, but I need to add in restorative yoga. I need to get my meditation in every day. I need to pick up latin dancing or running. I need to take time to just be, to settle myself into myself and be. I need to be okay with getting less done.

I'm not okay with getting less done. I need to do more, learn more, think more, accomplish more!

Also, I need to come up with a new financial plan. I am always stressed about money. I don't know anybody who is more careful with money than I am. Except maybe the little sister. Even so, my financial goals are ambitious. Probably impractical when you consider how little I leave for actual living expenses if I were to meet my goals every month (I don't, which also stresses me out). I'm currently putting about $600 extra toward my mortgage each month. I could reduce it to $400. The thought of doing that makes my heart hurt a little. And makes me feel stressed. Boo.

If anybody has tips on relaxing, please share. Relaxing is not my best thing.

PS My massage therapist thinks that someday I won't have headaches every day. "It may be genetic," she says, "but even genes need a trigger." I don't believe I'll ever reduce my stress enough to not have daily headaches.

PPS Why is taking care of yourself so hard?

PPPS I'm also supposed to be changing my diet. Toxins, too much sugar, not enough of the essential building blocks all stress your body out, not mention make it harder for your brain to function the way it should. Whole grains, organic fruits and vegetables when possible, more vegetables, more protein, more healthy fats. How can I do all the things AND learn to relax? It's a losing battle.