My Date with the Drugged-up Disaster

Ever tried internet dating? Me neither. Well, I mean, I didn't mean to try internet dating. It just sort of happened.

It all began on a slow Thursday afternoon. You have to watch those Thursday afternoons. They're wily, little boogers. It went like this.

Fabulous Friend: I found a man for you.
Me: I'm boycotting men.
Fabulous Friend: [link to the man she found for me]

I wasn't particularly interested in this supposed man my Fabulous Friend had found for me, but I decided to take a look at the link. Turns out the man my Fabulous Friend had in mind for me has a thing for girls with green eyes and auburn hair. He instructed all girls with said qualities to email him immediately.

Green Eyes - check
Auburn hair -  . . . check?

I decided to send him an email. Not that I wanted anything to do with this random internet stranger. I was boycotting men after all. But I needed to determine if I fit into the category of green-eyed, auburn-haired ladies and thus could have the satisfaction of not emailing him when I was instructed to. I wrote a quick email and attached the reference letter My Fabulous Friend was kind enough to write for me.

Dear RIS,

My fabulous friend sent me a link not long ago. In it was a question about physical traits. There were several answers but the only one of any importance at this time is yours. The link: http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/63686/. In case you wish to refresh your memory.

In it, you said I was to e-mail you immediately if I had auburn hair and green eyes. Being the amazingly obedient person that I am, I have sent you this e-mail.

There is a slight snag. I have been told before that my hair is auburn, but I believe that assessment of my hair color depends entirely on the individual. Thus, I was unsure of how to proceed. In the eyes of some I have auburn hair. In the eyes of others, it is simply brown. What, in your opinion, is auburn hair?

My fabulous friend was kind enough to write a reference letter. You will find it included below.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. It will be a great help.

Green Eyes


Dear Random Internet Stranger,

My friend has green eyes and auburn hair and is very keen herself. BTW she also has very soft skin. Not that I've tested it out. I will leave that to you.

Sincerely,

Another keen girl, who unfortunately does not have auburn hair or green eyes


And thus began . . . something.

My hair doesn't qualify as auburn, but this random internet stranger is an equal-opportunity dater and was a-okay with hair that might be more brown than auburn. After a few more emails and a couple of conversations, RIS and I decided to meet for ice cream.

The weekend before we had arranged to meet, my random internet stranger was playing with fire. And everybody knows that when you play with fire you get burned. My random, internet stranger spent a couple of very long days in the burn unit at the hospital. I, for some crazy reason, thought this would be reason enough to cancel. Silly me. The date was set and it wasn't changing. In the words of my random internet stranger, "This is happening."

Oh. Well, okay then. He, having felt the fires wrath, was in no state to drive so I picked him up. First impression? Bandages. Lots and lots of bandages. Thick ones. Being the snazzy man that he is, he changed the bandages before I picked him up so they were white and fluffy instead of yellowy and oozy.

Did I mention we couldn't stop moving? Apparently once he stopped he couldn't start again.

Have you tried to get to know someone in less than twenty minutes when they are in severe amounts of pain and are so focused on continuing in a forward motion that you can't even get a good look at their dimples? Try it sometime. It's fun.

And that is how I went on a very short, very . . . umm, yeah . . .