What I Learned in 2015

This is a new end of year wrap-up post. Probably I have more of those than any one person should. This one seemed important.

Also, it's the middle of the night. All sorts of things seem like a good idea in the middle of the night.

I've spent most of the past 48 hours sleeping. Guess I finally ran out of sleep.

They say you should get up and do things when you can't sleep at night. Technically I'm not up yet. Yay for portable laptops in bed.

They also say if you have trouble sleeping there are things you should do to ensure a good sleeping environment. Having a laptop in bed in the middle of the night goes against everything they say. I'm a champion sleeper so I'm not worried.

Generally, when I'm up in the middle of the night and not sleeping, I stay in bed not sleeping and it's fine. Tonight I was thinking of all the things and I felt like an idiot smiling into my pillow at 2:00 in the morning for no good reason.

Now I'm smiling at the computer screen. Still for no good reason. My smile is bigger than it was. Also for no good reason.

Guys. 2015.

It was a stinking hard year. Let me say that again.

It was a stinking hard year.

I'm glad it's nearly over. At the same time I'm feeling nostalgic and sentimental. Thus the smiles.

I learned so much. Hard things. Not things to smile about. Yet, things worth smiling about. I think the hard things always are a mix of both.

The things:

I am a total and complete wreck. More of a wreck than I used to pretend to believe but actually didn't. Top to bottom, front to back, I'm a wreck of a person bumbling my way through life.

Everyone is bumbling through life. It's the only way to do it.

Life will never be easy. Ever. That would go against all the reasons why we're here.

Life will always be worth marveling at. We are so blessed.

That doesn't make it easy, and that's okay.

I'm not a naturally grumpy person. I'm actually quite happy. (This was the most mind-boggling discovery of all. I still can't believe I randomly smile into my pillow in the middle of the night. I smile driving down the freeway, I smile in long, boring work meetings, I smile when I'm doing laundry, making dinner, staring at the ceiling. I can't stop smiling. At nothing except the total amazingness of life. It's been over a year since I first started tricking my brain into thinking it had more neurotransmitters than it does and partaking daily of caffeine. And I'm still smiling like an idiot. Who am I?)

Nobody will ever be a whole person, standing tall all by themselves. It doesn't work like that. We all need our things and we need our people. I can never be just me. I can never rely on myself for all my strength. I can never expect to have everything I need all for myself. I need my giant bed and my stack of books, the wind tangling my hair into a thousand tiny knots, the sun seeping into my bones. I need eclairs and apples and laughter and new ideas and experiences. I need my mom because she's my best bud. I need my little sister because she simultaneously drives me crazy and keeps me sane. I need my endless numbers of nieces and nephews because they are filled with love and eager to share it and we forget how uncomplicated love is. I also need extra chemicals. And it's okay. This is what I need to be a whole person.

Without all the things I am lost.

It's possible to not just know that life is amazing and wonderful and one should be savoring each moment, but also to feel it in every bit of oneself. It's possible to know with certainty in one's heart that all of this is surreal and wonderful and that it's totally being taken for granted. And that's okay, too.

I will never be content. I am satisfied with what I have accomplished. I am also disappointed about what I haven't accomplished. I am happy with who I am. Yet, I will always be striving to become more and do more. I can't help myself. I will always be disappointed with myself because I will never meet my expectations and won't even come close to my hopes. I celebrate the things worth celebrating. The personal disappointment keeps me striving. I used to dream of living a life of perfect peace and contentment. That will never be me. That's okay, too.

It's okay to love all the things. There's lots of love in me and I'm not ashamed to share it around.

Figuring things out always takes an investment. Time, emotion, usually some money. That's the way of things. That investment made on all the mess-ups and the confusion is not wasted. It's more precious.

I have too many hobbies.

I will never stop collecting hobbies.

I will never grow out of loving video games. Zelda for life.

A home = a never ending list of to do's. I love it.

One of my colleagues at the university where I work calls me "I love it, Megan" behind my back. Because I say I love it a lot. This is because I love all the things.

I assume so much. I understand so little. It's hard for me to remember this.

I could seriously use some different perspectives. I'm good at admitting I'm wrong, but until I see with my own two eyes that I'm wrong, I always think I'm right.

I'm almost never right.

There is nothing wonderful in being the sole winner. The most joy (for me) comes in seeing what others can accomplish.

The world is filled with so many things. Part of the responsibility of living this life is choosing how you spend your time.

There will never be enough time for all the things.

Caustic people make me grumpy which leads me to say things that hurt those caustic people.

I should stay away from caustic people.

I have so much power. We all have so much power. It's frightening.

I'm undependable.

In other ways no one could be more dependable.

It can be painful when the facade we put up and take to be truth starts crumbling around us.

Life gives me headaches. It's 100% worth it.

I wish I spent more time daydreaming.

I wish I spent more time doing.

I do not wish for more time in the day. That sounds exhausting.

I'm okay with who I am. I will always struggle against myself. It's my nature. I hope, in the future, I can be more forgiving, even as I fight to be more of who I want to be and less of who I am.

Sometimes a girl needs to take a nap in the middle of the day.


I'm sure I've missed some of the lessons I learned. Many of the lessons I learned. Likely I'll relearn most of the listed items in the coming year. Maybe not. This year felt like a thousand new discoveries. I'm hoping next year will be slower. In all ways.

Next year I hope to learn what makes people so important. I know that they are. It's something I've always known. I feel it in the pulse of large cities. It nearly overwhelms me when I hold new babies. It's a truth that has guided how I order my life.

Knowing why feels important.