I Should

Recently, I've been paying attention to when people say I should. Noticing it in other people has led me to realize how often I say it myself. At least a few times every day I use that phrase, whether I'm talking to other people or to myself. "I should empty the dishwasher," "I should go for a run," "I should start sketching again." On and on and on, always telling myself I should be doing this or that. What I've noticed, in others and myself, is that when I tell myself I should do something, it usually means I'm not going to.

According to Merriam Webster should is "used in auxiliary function to express obligation, propriety, or expediency." Sounds right. I should do this, or I should do that because I'm obligated to do it or it's just the type of thing that someone like me ought to be doing.

Generally, when you hear someone say they should do something, what they mean is they feel they ought to be doing something but they probably aren't going to do it. Sometimes is may even be something they want to do. "I should go to that concert," they might say, but in their head they've already lined up the reasons not to go. It's too far away, it's too expensive, it requires finding out the exact date, keeping it open on the schedule, and buying the tickets. Even thought it may be something enjoyable, the logistics of making it happen make it seem like too much work and it doesn't happen. It remains forever a should. First an "I should do that," and then an "I should have done that."

I'm slightly mortified at myself for using I should in this way. What it means is that you are never satisfied with what you're doing because you tell yourself you should be doing something else without actually doing it. That leads to nothing but carrying around the feeling that you aren't good enough because you can't manage to do the things you are constantly telling yourself you should do. It also teaches you to not expect much from yourself since you can't manage to make and keep commitments to yourself. You're proving to yourself that you aren't going to follow through on doing or becoming something you ought to do or become just because you'd rather not do the work to make it happen.

I want to know that in each moment I'm doing the thing that I ought to be doing. If I should be doing something else, I will do it. This doesn't mean I need to be productive all the time, but that in the moments when I am watching the clouds go by and day dreaming I can enjoy it completely. I can be content knowing that what I am doing is exactly what I ought to be doing in that moment because in the moments when I should be unloading the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom or running errands, I'll be taking care of those things. There will be no reason for them to encroach on my day dreaming.

I've been trying to really consider what I've said each time I say to myself I should. Why do I think that's something I should do instead of what I am already doing? If I really ought to be doing it, I do. If not, I concentrate on enjoying whatever it is I am doing.

I am not going to live an I should life. I am going to live a life full of I did and I can and I will.