I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be studying.

Untrue.

I'm supposed to be at the symphony. I ditched the symphony so I could study. I'm not studying. I'm here instead.

Don't worry; it's only a small break in my studies. In about another hour or so I should be done with the second course in my graduate program.

I feel like I should feel like a failure. After all, at the beginning of the fall I set out to see the Utah Symphony perform each of Beethoven's symphonies this season. And now I have failed.

It's not just Beethoven's 4th symphony I'm missing tonight. I'm also missing Rachmaninoff. Tragedy and failure.

But I don't feel like a failure. Nor do I feel missing Rachmaninoff is tragic.

It feels more like triumph—choosing to give up something I love for something that is more important.

I should have gotten this last couple of hours of study done nearly two weeks ago. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I didn't.

I couldn't put it off anymore. Not I shouldn't put it off anymore; I couldn't. In the same way you can't put off drinking when you're thirsty or eating when you're hungry. You don't have to do these things, but they are necessary for general health and well-being and putting them off even for a bit leads to headaches, grumpiness, and loss of energy and focus. I couldn't put off doing this school work anymore

The thought of trying to squeeze these last few hours of study between art class this afternoon and the symphony this evening made my mind want to pop. So I snuggled in bed for a couple of hours (I had intended to take a nap but I ended up just listening to my heart beat in my ears), sent my papa with my ma to the symphony, and now I am studying.

So close . . .

Remind me why I'm getting an M.Ed.? I know there must have been a good reason, but I forget.

"The lightest side of the dark side is darker than the darkest part of the light side."

Something my art instructor said during art class. We were discussing form and value, lights and shadows. It may be a bit of nothing, but it feels like a something. Something much more than a small part of a lecture on basic drawing.

Also, I hate avocados.

I found out several months ago that all of my cholesterol levels are fantastic except that my good cholesterol is a couple points low. Almonds, olive oil, and avocados were recommended. I've been eating bits of avocado since and I came to the tragic realization today that I almost like the stuff. The avocado was delicious on the sandwich I made myself for lunch. Bleh.